Welcome to Debating for Dummies, the fun and easy guide to everything you need to know to win a presidential debate, including tonight's Democratic debate in Nevada!

GETTING STARTED

• Although the presidential debates are now sponsored by the two major political parties, major media and other large corporations - which has resulted in their content being completely free of participants or statements that might truly challenge the status quo - it is not permissible to appear onstage wearing sponsor logos.

TIPS, TECHNICAL STUFF AND WARNINGS

• While your opponent is speaking, busy yourself taking notes. Later you can use them on the final.

• Just for tonight, do not discuss race or gender. Instead, limit your conversation to bunny rabbits and the weather.

• When discussing the Iraq war never say "lives and money." It makes you sound like a hysterical anti-war zealot. Instead say, "blood and treasure." This makes you sound like you enjoy being a pirate.

• Never, ever, observe the time limits given for responses to questions. It's never been done, so what makes you so special?

• Occasionally drink some water so that your mouth doesn't get dry, but not so much that you have to run off the stage to pee.

• To spice up meaningless statements on vague policy positions add, "the fact is," "the fact of the matter is," "the truth of the matter is," or, "I fathered Suri Cruise."

• Give vague answers whenever possible. If the moderators keep pressing you for specifics, it's their hang-up, not yours.

• Instead of "If I am elected president," always say, "When I am elected president." (If you are Duncan Hunter and you make either statement, you run the risk of being held at Cedars Sinai for a 72-hour mental evaluation.)

• Don't bang on the lectern, on the lectern, on the lectern, on the lectern, on the lectern... (It's okay to bang if you are Nikita Khrushchev and you are holding a shoe.)

• If you want to get your question answered in a YouTube debate, don't dress up in a costume. If you want to be included in tonight's debate, don't dress up as Dennis Kucinich.

• If you are Richard Nixon, don't forget to wear make-up. If you are Dennis Kucinich, don't forget to wear lifts.

• No matter how dumb your opponent is, don't groan audibly when he is speaking; he will end up becoming president and all that you will get is a lousy Nobel Peace Prize.

• Never say, "lock box."

• Don't compare yourself to John F. Kennedy unless you want a face full of Lloyd Bentsen.

• Don't look at your watch. It will all be over before you can say, "One term president."

• If you make a huge blunder don't go back and correct yourself; they can always edit it out in post.

WHERE TO GO FROM HERE

• After the debate, mill around on-stage, shake hands with your opponents, wave to the audience and kiss your wife or husband. Then hit "spin."