From today's Los Angeles Times:

...Chrysler....The nation's third-largest automaker is set to announce Thursday that it's making wireless Internet an option on all its 2009 models. The mobile hotspot, called UConnect Web, would be the first such technology from any automaker.

... Perhaps not surprisingly, safety advocates were less than overwhelmed by Chrysler's innovation.

"Surfing the Web is something people really don't have any business doing while they drive," said Jonathan Adkins, spokesman for the Governors Highway Safety Assn. "It's definitely a distraction."

A distraction! Who the hell does this guy think he is!? Did he not read the words "Wi-Fi!?"

"In a car!?"

Jesus Christ, talk about a buzz kill!

Anyway, where were we...?

Oh yeah! First the iPhone 3G in July, and now this! For technophiles like me, Chrysler's move to bring the information superhighway to the...highway-highway is what I can only describe as good ol' fashioned American ingenuity! I CANNOT wait to read my favorite HuffPost bloggers, check my email, google myself incessantly, and masturbate to Internet pornography at high speeds!

Chrysler has made it possible for us to get our daily fix of information overload all within the comfort and confines of our very own one ton, turbo charged, piece of beautiful engineering!!! One word; GOD DAMN! Well, in hindsight, that's two, but I was multi-tasking at the time so I wasn't paying attention to what I was writing. I could go back and fix my mistake, but an important email just hit my inbox...

Okay, done. It was just this really funny video a friend sent me with this crazy talking monkey and it had a farting cowboy in it! LOL! ROTFL! LMAO! Now, let's see...we were talking about...?

Right! So, this article got me to thinking: what other features should automobile companies include in their newest models?

After googling myself and then masturbating to Internet pornography, I came up with a top 3 list:

1) A shower. How many times have you been stuck in traffic and your ass gets all sweaty, and you feel like you're stuck to the seat? Annoying, right? So I say to the car manufacturers: you need to stop focusing on "Alternative Fuels," whatever the hell that means, and focus on getting' me a damn shower in my car! Put it in the back, too, so I can have a little privacy. I don't want people gawking at me though my windshield.

2) An XBOX360, pre-packaged with Grand Theft Auto 4. Man, that game is soooo immersive!!! I literally haven't blinked in three days. Also, maybe they should throw in 'Rock Band' as well. How cool would it be if you could rig your radio so you could jam to your favorite tunes!? Here's a suggestion for the Detroit auto industry; if you're running low on room to fit this gadgetry, you can always take out the unnecessary stuff like airbags, seatbelts, headlights...the brakes.

3) A girlfriend. Sure, some people already have these, but if I'm going to pay top dollar, I should be able to pimp my ride the way I want it! The girlfriend I'd order custom would be really into fellatio, but ONLY when the car was in drive, of course.

In summation, thank you Chrysler for giving your consumers what they really need in their automobiles! The whole steering wheel, gas, clutch, "other vehicles on the road" thing has gotten totally boring. I'm glad you're keeping up with the fast pace of modern life. I'd also like to...

Hold on a sec, someone just sent me this YouTube clip involving these two girls and some cup, or something. Ttyl!!!