What More Does Lou Dobbs Have to Do to Prove He's Not Racist? John O'Bryan | Bio

It never ceases to amaze me. Somehow liberals and other sensitive types in this country have managed to turn America's greatest cable news crusader into a bigot.

Just because Lou Dobbs spends night after night fighting to criminalize people who cross the desert to pick your tomatoes, some loony leftwingers have accused him of harboring white supremacist sentiments. Just because he accidentally quotes studies conducted by racist organizations and occasionally references the opinions of eugenicists, some people have decided that Daddy Dobbs is driven by nefarious motives. Well I'm not one of them. Who among you has not unwittingly supported a Nazi on occasion? We're all only human.

Let's give Dobbs the benefit of the doubt. How was he supposed to know that Council of Conservative Citizens was a white supremacist organization when he invited one of its members to appear on his show? When he gives verbal support to the Minutemen vigilantes, how is he supposed to know that many of them are shameless racists who threaten and maim illegal immigrants, knowing they can never report it to the cops? Lou Dobbs is not Santa. He can't be everywhere at once, so he can't possibly know what all of his contributors have to say about minorities when they're not on the air.

But lucky for Lou, I'm here to give him a complete image makeover.

Read closely, Louis "Big D" Dobbs -- by following these simple suggestions, you're sure to dispel any myth of racial prejudice behind your reports...

(1) MARRY A MEXICAN: Think about it. Any time somebody tries to call you a whitebread xenophobic bigot, all you have to say is, "Hey, what about my little non-white sidekick over here?" It worked for Frank Sinatra, and it can work for you too.

(2) RANT CONSTANTLY ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE TAMALES: Everybody knows that racists can't possibly enjoy Mexican food. And it's pretty obvious that Sweet Lou likes food of all nationalities. My suggestion is this: Find your favorite brand of tamales. (The more obscure, the better. You must become the indie rock fan of tamale lovers!) Then take a few seconds in every broadcast to share this secret with your audience. Once people hear the genuine tamale lust in your voice, it will be downright impossible for them to ever assert that you've anything other than love for our Latin neighbors.

(3) GO PUBLIC WITH YOUR SYPHILIS INFECTION: People need an explanation for your constant obsession with diseases spread by immigrants. Especially when said obsession turns out to be based on faulty data. But fret not, Daddy Dobbs. When you come clean and admit to the world that you have syphilis, it will explain everything: your obsession with communicable disease, your poor reasoning skills, your shoddy fact-checking, your rectal lesions...Who wouldn't sympathize with you?

(4) GET 'JUMPED-IN' BY MS-13: You're always talking about the rising crime rates caused by illegal immigration, even though "statistics" and "facts" show illegal immigrants to be fairly law-abiding (other than immigrating illegally, of course). If you are going to continue to insist that Chicanos are the reason for our burgeoning crime wave, you need first-hand experience to speak factually, and what better way to get it than by joining the biggest Latino crime syndicate in North America. You get benefits for life, and all you have to do is let them beat you mercilessly for one minute. One minute. When it's all done, you'll be a bona fide authority on Latino street gangs, and the liberal media won't be able to call you on your ignorance. So quit being a puta and sign up!

(5) START REFERRING TO YOUR CORRESPONDENTS AS 'PUTA' AND 'PENDEJO': Let's face it. Part of your problem is you're just too buttoned up. You need to spice up your lingo a bit. Fortunately, I live in Northeast Los Angeles, so I can help you. From now on, whenever one of your dutiful correspondents sign off, you say, "Gracias, Puta Madre." It will charm the pants off the youth, and give you a rare inroad to Hispanic viewers age 13-22. They'll tune in every week to see what that crazy old white man with the floppy cheeks is going to say this time. Plus, it will prove to detractors that you're not just picking this immigration fight so you don't have to learn Spanish.

(6) REMEMBER TO INCLUDE WHITE PEOPLE when you're discussing wacky conspiracy theories of 'reconquesta.' Your viewers have heard you mention the Mexican conspiracy to re-seize the American Southwest--or "Aztlan," as those part-Indian Indian-givers call it. I applaud your diligence. It must have taken quite an effort to generalize the entire Mestizo race as sore losers who are still bitter about land that was taken from their ancestors a hundred years ago. So nice work.

I for one think we should worry more about the conspiracy to reclaim our nation's other regions. For example, did you know there are French people in New Orleans right now? Why do you think they are there, to sample the beignets and king cake? Are they trying to reclaim the Louisiana Purchase, which America bought off them for a song? And how about all those British tourists on the East Coast? What do you think they're up to? I'll tell you right now, they ain't trying to assimilate and let bygones be bygones. They're plotting to avenge their great loss of 1776 and retake the colonies. Before we know it, the tea will pulled back out of the harbor, and "football" will mean "soccer"! Now fly, noble crusader, and protect our other broken borders!

(7) GROW A PENCIL-THIN ZORRO MOUSTACHE: It will not only improve your looks tenfold, but it will make you seem like someone who truly does fight for the welfare of the Mexican people (a claim you're always reiterating). Then whenever anyone accuses you of being a faux-populist charlatan, you wield your news pen like a rapier and scratch a big "L" on their chest. Then shout out something memorable like, "You just got Lou'd on!" or "Dobbs away!"

(8) READ AT LEAST ONE BOOK BY GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ, so you can talk about it parties. No, Marquez isn't Mexican, but he speaks Spanish, so close enough. And the mere mention of his name will impress the hell out of liberals with college degrees, which is most of them. Also try to see that movie Y Tu Mama Tambien, with that handsome Mexican actor that's in all the Hispanic-y movies. Make sure you mention how you had no trouble telling the Mexicans in the movie apart. 'Cause that's you--always acutely aware of the subtle variations within La Raza.

Well, that's about all I have for you, Daddy Dobbs. Follow these points, and you'll be well on your way to fame as the bastion of tolerance that I know you to be! I leave you with one last piece of advice: (8.5) IF YOU'RE NOT SURE IF SOMETHING YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY IS RACIST, TRY THIS FIRST -- say it in a southern accent. Or a German accent. If it sounds racist in either dialect, it probably is. After all, let's not hold Southerners and Germans to a different standard than ourselves.

Hasta Manana.