It is a well-known, true fact that Americans love their rich people rich and their robber baron financial overlords catastrophically wealthy. When the richest hundredth of a percent of the population sees a rise in their income despite a country-wide recession, it makes the poorer, or "worse," people feel good. We want to have heroes we can believe in.

That's why I was so thrilled to see The New York Times' coverage of the wealthiest of the wealthy: Wall Street's most successful hedge fund managers. Yes, the country is suffering from the early birth-pangs of an unwanted recession, baby, but with hedge funders at the helm, we can be sure to return to the glories of the Gilded Age in no time. Hope you "worst" 99% like the taste of water soup.

For those that don't know, a hedge fund is a mysterious organization that takes a lot of money, and turns it into even more money! Everybody wins! The best thing about a hedge fund is that by widening the wealth gap in our country, they manufacture something all Americans need more of: bitterness.

But don't you silly tax-payers worry your fraying pants off, because you can get in on this hot hedge fund action, too. If one of these massive, unregulated money printing factories goes belly up, you can help pay for it through what those in the biz call "socialized risk." As near as this English major can tell, that means that federal funds are used to bail these companies out if worse comes to worse, because they are so massive that if one collapsed, so would the whole economy. It's like a house of cards that supports a few other houses of cards that supports a house that may or may not have a gambling addict inside it.

So, if you're having a tough time finding a temp job, or those student loans are really getting you down, pull a New York Times out of the trash and take a look at the article. It'll cheer you up. Unless you're one of those bitter people, in which case, keep your goddamn mouth shut.