In what may be the least surprising news since "the sun rose this morning," a Bush appointed military court found Salim Hamdan guilty of providing material support to terrorists, proving once again that if you want something done right, ignore the constitution.

The verdict was in many ways a foregone conclusion, seeing as the administration could basically make the rules up as it went along. This is known as the "I'll take my ball and go home" approach to international justice. In light of this recent schoolyard-level success, the administration plans on bringing charges against other enemies they've made over the past seven years. Here are some future defendants and the charges that will be brought against them, playground style.

• France - "Guilty of being French (totally gay)"


• Dennis Kucinich - "Guilty of being a real congressional jerk"


• Markos Moulitsas - "Guilty of running a website full of jerks"


• Scott McClellan - "Guilty of telling everybody about our secrets and stuff"


• ACLU - "Guilty of always suing us like a bunch of jerks"


• Nouri Al-Maliki - "Guilty of trying to kick us out of his tree-fort"


• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - "Guilty of not giving us a good enough reason"


• Supreme Cour - "Guilty of making us go all the way to Cuba to have our fun like jerks (but some of you guys are cool!)"