Bob Dole would have made a terrible president for a lot of reasons--reasons that would actually factor into John McCain being a terrible president. Based on these similarities it is my sincere hope that John McCain shares the fate of Bob Dole and is retired and appearing in Pepsi ads as soon as humanly possible...

1) They're old!!!!!
Bob Dole was 73 when he ran for president and John McCain will be 72 in November. That is the age of most of our grandparents. Would you want your grandparents running the country? Hell no! They're pushing it even having a driver's license. Their minds just aren't working the way they used to. No amount of photo opportunities will resolve the fact that these are cranky old men, generally at odds with the age they live in.

2) They're Crazy
Both candidates are known for having problems handling their tempers. Bob Dole snapped at George H. W. Bush on national television to stop lying about his record. Dole continues to be a cantankerous old man writing long winded emails to people when he's pissed off, such as to Scott McClellan last week. McCain, known as McNasty in high school is infamous for his temper. He has been quoted as calling people he's angry with shitheads, assholes, fucking jerks, and his wife a "fucking cunt." Interviewed in 2000, he said, "I hated the gooks. I will hate them as long as I live."

3) Fucked Over By a Bush in a Primary
In 1988, Bob Dole had the nomination taken from him after he had won Iowa and George H. W. Bush had tarnished his image in a nasty campaign. In 2000, John McCain had considerable momentum after winning the New Hampshire primary. He derailed in a particularly nasty primary battle in South Carolina in which his image was tarnished--killing his momentum--and lived on as a feather in Karl Rove's cap. For both men, the Republican party gave the nod to these establishment candidates in the twilight of their lives, shadows of their former selves. Aged, of no use to anybody, these candidates were and are the best the Republican party could churn out in both '96 and '08. Hopefully the results will be identical.

4) Possibly Medicated to Stay Balanced
Rumors are afloat that McCain has been medicated for months now to prevent embarrassing and damaging public temper flares. To a certain extent his hopes ride on him not flipping out in public. As far as I know, Bob Dole was not medicated to prevent temper tantrums, but he did endorse Viagra not long after his failed campaign...