BARACK OBAMA walks onto a stage. City of Lights is blaring. He acknowledges the crowd. WOLF BLITZER is sitting on a chair next to the microphone.

OBAMA

In bringing together the national consensus, it has been my pleasure and great honor to accept a wide range of endorsements, all vividly illustrating the greatness and diversity of our country. Truly a testament to what our founding fathers were hoping their descendants could one day accomplish. That is why it is my supreme pleasure to reject the endorsement of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer.

Crowd applauds

OBAMA

It was a decision I came to easily. It required little thought, no deliberation, and inspired no fear of reprisals by a man held with so little regard by all familiar with him.

Crowd applauds

OBAMA

It is no surprise that the man's endorsement should be made so late in the primary, at a time when it's strategic use is all but negligible, if not degraded entirely--not to mention the inappropriate nature of a news correspondent giving an endorsement anyhow.

Crowd applauds

OBAMA

Blacks, Whites, Mexicans, Asians, and Native Americans think little of him. Despised by the old, reviled by the young, and considered a douche by all contemporaries, I am stating here today that I refuse to be associated in any way with the sad spectacle of a man that is seated behind me.

Crowd applauds

OBAMA

Any logical person would have stormed off the stage by now, but it is a testament to the man's lack of dignity and self-regard that he lingers, pest that he is, breathing loudly and appearing ridiculous to all.

Crowd applauds

JOHN EDWARDS, smiling and alive with energy walks on stage to applause.

EDWARDS

Hey folks, when Barack told me that he had received the endorsement of Wolf Blitzer, I told him that he was very lucky and fortunate...

Crowd boos

EDWARDS

Just a minute, just a minute now! Fortunate because he had the good fortune of being able to reject Wolf Blitzer in a public and embarrassing fashion. Thoroughly degrading and humiliating him in the manner he so undeniably deserves.

Crowd applauds

EDWARDS

For such a simple, absurd little man to incoherently toss around his endorsement in a masturbatory manner demonstrates his disrespect for others, but most clearly illustrates his feeble understanding of all taking place around him.

Crowd applauds

EDWARDS

This clear and undeniable fact is evident by his pointless comments and interactions with anyone and everyone, his vacant expression, heightened by his ridiculous beard, and the baffling extent of his uninformed position for a man so steeped in the news and information of current events.

Crowd applauds

GEORGE W. BUSH walks on stage waving to the crowd. Boos and a smattering of surprised applause greets him.

BUSH

Thank you! I come here today to applaud the junior senator for his decision to reject the endorsement of Wolf Blitzer.

Crowd applauds

BUSH

Contempt for this man is a bipartisan obligation that should be inescapable for any thinking person.

Crowd applauds

BUSH

The supreme contempt for the shitbag, scumfuck of a person Wolf Blitzer is so undeniably something that can unite us all in these troubled times.

Crowd applauds wildly

BUSH

Thank you, and God bless you, and seriously, FUCK WOLF BLITZER!

Crowd applauds, charges the stage and carries a triumphant George Bush out of the auditorium.