At the Democratic debate in Iowa, Chris Dodd said that Americans "care about the same things, we want the same things." No we don't. Democrats want to begin the centuries long ordeal of cleaning up W's mess. Republicans want to sweep the mess under the carpets of a gated community where Jesus is working the gate. Dodd was also the only one to remind us, lest we forget or just don't care, that we're borrowing a billion dollars a day. That's a billion dollars, folks. If I did that, Master Card would be on my ass like Lance Bass at a circuit party.

Hillary Clinton used the phrases "AS president, I will..." and "WHEN I'm in the White House..." so many times it seemed she has already made a back room deal with the same thugs who made sure Bush carried Florida in 2000. But her catchphrase "the era of cowboy diplomacy is over" has had more performances than Rent, so it's time for her writers to cross the picket lines. More than anyone else, she tossed in highfalutin asides like "I think you're referring to the Lugar/Lautenberg bill" to remind us just how much she knows and we don't. So there, fuckers.

John Edwards remains the only candidate of either party to even acknowledge that the poor exist. He hammered away at the "wealthy people" who are in control every chance he got, which is mighty white of him since he's one of them. He's also perfected the sly smile at the end of every statement that says, "If elected, I'll let you see me naked."

Joe Biden remarked that in Iowa he sees "so much land and so few farmers," that it seems like the location for the next Dawn Of The Dead. Over on FOX, this prompted the focus group attached to the Frank Luntz electrocardiogram to think "Ooh, bad thing" and send the needles south. Barack Obama repeatedly sent that EKG off the charts - who knew that the mention of Wen Ho Lee could cause an orgasm? When he said to Hillary, "I'm looking forward to you advising me as well" the machine started smoking like Jane Fonda's sex machine in Barbarella.

That idiotic contraption charts an emotional response every time a candidate says anything other than "thank you," yet shows how emotions, not actual knowledge of issues, are how Americans vote. When candidates mentioned subsidies and trade agreements and agribusinesses, the machine flatlined. I wish one of the candidates had said, "Draft dodging towel snapping frat boy coke head" just to cause the machine to register an earthquake.

Bill Richardson said his state is 11% Native American. Wow. I didn't think there were 11% Native Americans left anywhere. He also said that New Mexican teacher salaries have gone from 49th place in the U.S. to 28th. Makes you want to rush those resumes to Albuquerque High, don't it?

But Dodd gets the balls of steel prize, for waxing sentimental for the day "when Nuremberg meant something." It seemed to go over everyone's heads and no news analyst mentioned it, probably because most people think Nuremberg is a Florida retirement community. It was the closest any candidate has ever come to calling Bush a war criminal and bemoan that he hasn't been tried at The Hague and imprisoned at The Tombs with a dominant top cellmate named Tyrone. I volunteer to have Dodd's baby. Just click your heels three times and say to yourself: The Hague, The Tombs, Tyrone. The Hague, The Tombs, Tyrone.

See also: Jim David on the latest Republican debate.