I love weeks like this in the entertainment news cycle. You can tell it's been a slow news week by the number of major headlines circulating about things not happening. The big story: Madonna is not divorcing from her husband Guy Ritchie! Just FYI. In case you were worried. News also broke this week that Will Smith is still not a scientologist! From aol.com: "I am (No) Scientologist, Will Smith Says." That's right, he said it! I also learned that Sex and the City's Kristin Davis is not featured in a sex tape! So if you're looking for it on Netflix, it's not there. It doesn't exist--or at least she's not featured in it.

I know I'm just splitting hairs because really, the entertainment news is never news, and it's my own fault for reading it. But somehow the reporting of something that's explicitly not happening just so elegantly encapsulates superfluous news. "Entertainment News Headline Not Considered to Technically Be News." (Now that's news to me!)

In most cases I'm sure the non-story headline is really an attempt to trick people into thinking the not story is an actual true story. And because people don't read well, it works, and at least half of them gloss over the strategically placed "not" and are completely misinformed. The worst part is, because people don't read well, they may never know the truth! There are people out there that will never know that Madonna and Guy are not divorcing (at this particular point in time)! Doesn't that make you sad?
Enough depressing analysis. Time for fun! I did some very thorough research, and I dug up exclusive insider info on other big news stories that didn't happen this week! (If I were Conan O'Brien I would have accompanying doctored news clippings to support):

1. Angelina Jolie Still Not Admitting That She's Totally Pregnant!

2. Ellen Page (Not) Seen Dyking Out Hardcore in Gay Leather-Drenched Tryst!

3. Scientology NOT a Cover for Prominent Homosexual Celebrities. (Why, Who's Been Saying it Is and What Are Their Names?)

4. Paris Hilton Rumored to Not Be Attached to Upcoming Coen Brothers Project

5. Mary-Kate Olsen Did Not Look Super Fat at Birthday Party, According to Sister

6. Tyra Banks Did Not Kill Oprah to Make Skin Suit--or Even Think About It!

7. Hillary Clinton Did Not Orchestrate Eliot Spitzer Scandal to Distract from (Projected) Candidacy Loss

8. Jennifer Aniston Did Not Literally Fling Poop at Brangelina's Prius

9. Tori Spelling Did Not Not Get a Boob and Nose Job (Or Didn't She?)

10. Tupac Not Seen Alive*

11. Paula Abdul Not the Mastermind Behind 9/11 - Halliburton - Carlyle Conspiracy (Theories)

12. Dick Cheney Not Using Diplomacy Cover in Middle East to Secure Oil, Egg Pods

*This one might not be true