Mitt Romney may be downplaying the role Mormonism would play if he's elected president, but 23/6's investigative unit has unearthed a sacred text long kept under wraps by the Church of Latter Day Saints. These secret teachings, known as The Book of Rom, were first revealed in 1977 by the angel Moroni to Garret Baynor, a dyslexic pool man from Hyannisport. Here, for the first time, we present excerpts from the hidden gospel guiding the course of the Romney campaign.

Leptus 1:12--"And lo, one will come to power from the land of the Sodomites and Red Sox, and he shall be named after a baseball glove. And he shall wear his salt-and-mostly-pepper locks in a regal mantle on top his head, towering over him like a hair-sprayed temple."

Sheniqua 12:33-37--"To everything, there is a season: A time to campaign, a time to concede. A time to visit Iowa, a time to see New Hampshire. A time to debate, a time to go negative on Giuliani's ass. A time to embrace W., a time to cast him aside. A time to support gay marriage, a time to spurn queens. A time to deny that you wear crazy Mormon underwear, a time to relish its supple silkiness.

Pikachu 5:12-19--"In your path, a female foe shall rise and also a dusky one, breathing smoke. Though shalt smite them, for they bring healthcare to the masses, and coins to the laborers in the fields, and drink caffeine, and this is abhorrent to you."

Corncobia 18:20--"Though shalt go out among the people and face the demons Scrapple, and Menudo, and Chitlins, and thou shalt swallow them whole and then smile, for then the people shalt think you eat the same disgusting crap they do and will vote for you despite the constant heartburn."

Gipperon 1:1--"In thy heart and in thy home thou shalt keep an altar to the Prophet Reagan, and in all things, including thy hair, thou shalt try to emulate him (except the getting shot part)."

Fishburne 3:16--"And he shall have five sons, and each of them shall tame the demon named Blog, and with Blog's voice stump for their father. And his concubine Ann shall also speak to the masses, and unto them impart the secret of her delicious Monkey Bread.

Gynomastia 12:3--"Thou shalt flip and thou floppest, and be all things to all people and nations."

Jiminy 7:32--And yea, unto him, for on the day he takes power he shall bring to the altar of the Lord the First Ladies of the land--the white witches Barbara and Nancy, Laura and foul Hillary, subjugated in chains, and he shall make of them second wives, and spawn with them so that the seeds of his new heavenly kingdom shall rule on earth forever. And lo, please don't be offended if I, The Lord Your God, turns away while you do this part."