Dear Cloney,

So, I know it's been really weird for both of us since you were born, err, oviposited or whatever happens to you people. I wanted to write and say kudos on what you've done with the junk DNA you've inherited--I had no idea these bodies were capable of abs like that.

In any case, we need to get a few things straight. It's weird that you've decided to live in the same small town as me. I was stranded here by fate--I don't really believe a job at the Kwik Trip is what drew you away from that lab job in Palo Alto, but I've learned to deal. Except, did you really have to buy the same 1978 powder blue Impala? At least put a spoiler on the back or something so I don't keep setting off your car alarm. And really--having Sheri Steinberg as your first? At least when I did her we were both 17. Now she's like, what 52?

And another thing. Denise is my sister, which also means she's your sister, so hands off. Cousin Emily has a really sweet clone that works down at the Arby's that you should ask out. Please lay off with the Father's Day presents. I can't tell if you're being creepy or ironic. In either case I have enough novelty ties and buddy movies. I thought you'd inherited better taste. Oh, and stop using my account at the video store. Really, who rents Dirty Dancing five Saturdays in a row? Must be a mutation in you somewhere.

Also, it's come to my attention that you do a lot of really nasty impressions of me behind my back. Not cool.

But, since we are so close, I have some advice so you don't make the same mistakes I did:

-It's a third nipple. Stop picking at it, otherwise it will turn red and you'll have to have it removed when you're thirty.

-Girls just aren't impressed by that thing you can do with your nose and the two quarters. If you haven't discovered this talent, don't experiment.

-You will never look good in stripes, so stop trying.

-If you're ever in Nuevo Laredo and a man offers you a churro, just walk away.
Someday I will come to harvest your organs. Just lay back and enjoy it.

Sincerely,
Jason 1.0