Dear Friends,

Some of you have requested that I clarify certain points in the Declaration of Emergency Powers distributed to the residents of the Vernon Creek subdivision last week.

Some are wondering if it is really legal for me to install motion detecting halogen lamps without permission on people's property. Under my Declaration, Part IV sub. C, and in my position as President of the Vernon Creek Homeowners Association and Commandant for Life of the Neighborhood Watch, it is legal for me to take any action that preserves the safety of Vernon Creek and its residents. If that means trampling some half-dead hydrangeas, Mrs. Whittaker, or installing a watch tower on top of your garage, Mr. Downes, or setting booby traps to keep the Kelderman boys off my lawn, so be it. What, do you want us to become like Deer Valley?

A few of you have wondered why Phyllis Moore, editor of the Making Waves neighborhood newsletter, has not mowed her lawn for two weeks. Mrs. Moore is currently under house arrest, but be assured that she is in excellent health and is being tended by my oldest son, Conrad, who shares his Doritos with her and allows her to play Guitar Hero against him twice daily. She will be released as soon as she withdraws the fraudulent front page article, "Harry Walters Would Make a Great Neighborhood Association President," printed last month. If she misses her daughter Carla's wedding, it's her own stubborn fault. We'll be there.

As to demands that I relinquish my post as Neighborhood Watch Commandant and stop wearing my nifty Neighborhood Watch uniform, I refuse. However, I will agree that when I preside over official Neighborhood Association meetings, I won't wear the uniform, just the sash with all the concert buttons.

A great many of you have expressed concern and resentment that I am patrolling the neighborhood by night and checking for enemy infiltration by peering into your windows. To which I say, what are you trying to hide? Do you have a secret in your "study" (like a totally gay Princess Di memorabilia collection, Walters?). I'm doing this for your safety, so lay off. And don't switch to PBS when you see me. I know you were watching Top Model.

Trash pickup has been suspended indefinitely to prevent weapons from being smuggled into the community. Gardeners and cleaning services are also forbidden from entering the compound without a full background check. You may dispose of your refuse on Harry Walter's lawn.

On Tuesday, Harry Walters and his supporters attempted to march from Brewster Drive to Carrington Drive in a solidarity march/evening walk. As you know, Mr. Walter's relocation to Vernon Creek is the main precipitator of this crisis, and his annoying, big-toothed, "I run my own company, I'm really tall, blah, blah, blah, I can't stop talking" presence has caused instability and near hysteria throughout the subdivision, in particular his practice of grilling uppity cuisine like salmon and prawns to impress people. His marchers, including his wife Bev, daughter Claire, son Austen, and a baby, were turned back by Neighborhood Watch forces and corralled in the Walters' garage. His barbecue and bocce sets were both confiscated to prevent unauthorized gatherings. This afternoon a neighborhood tribunal ordered that his riding lawn mower and plush Zoysia grass sod be confiscated and redistributed to neighborhood HQ. (BTW, I'm totally sorry about dropping the baby. I really do need to frisk everyone.)

In conclusion, I would like to announce that the Neighborhood Association President elections, scheduled for next Tuesday, have been suspended indefinitely, until Harry Walters withdraws his nomination, moves away, or, even better, dies. Or at least until he teaches me how to cook lobster tails on my grill.