Earlier today the White House was forced to make public the visitor logs it has been trying to keep secret for years. The logs reveal much about the Bush White House's habits and relationships. Here, presented for the first time, is the Secret Service log from an average day at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Secret Service, White House Log, 4/19/2005:

4:07 AM Condi Rice privately escorted out the kitchen entrance.
5:00 AM White House staff of 14 illegal immigrants ushered in via kitchen entrance.
5:30 AM Potus leaves by front gate with Barney.
5:32 AM Potus returns with Barney, doggy bag in hand.
6:13 AM Cheney waddles in.
6:15 AM Potus zooms through front gate on mountain bike.
7:00 AM Pantsuits R Us leaves package for Laura.
7:15 AM Potus returns on mountain bike missing helmet and with a stray orange kitten in his Camelbak. Asks if he can keep it. We say no.
7:45 AM Tony Snow arrives, looks at White House, begins to turn away, then sighs and turns back.
8:03 AM Potus runs around White House three times as fast as he can to "let off some extry energy."
9:00 AM Jack Abramoff visits.
9:19 AM Protesters arrive, give us bagels when we promise "no pepper spray today."
9:21 AM Cheney leaves via ambulance.
10:13 AM Three evangelical ministers dressed like plumbers enter.
10:22 AM Cheney waddles back in.
11:04 AM Abramoff back. Has Quiznos for everyone.
11:30 AM Potus attacks us with water balloons. We call Laura. Potus utters threats from behind oak tree.
11:45 AM Five oil lobbyists dressed like caterers enter.
12:17 PM Cheney leaves via ambulance.
12: 42 PM Geek Squad arrives to fix the Presidential Wii before Japanese prime minister's visit.
1:04 PM Weekly Ben and Jerry's delivery arrives at White House.
1:12 PM Reporters arrive for press briefing. We are instructed to fingerprint them all and not give them anything to wipe their hands with.
1:13 PM Helen Thomas utters swear word and leaves.
1:37 PM Cheney waddles back in.
2:01 PM Abramoff back with milk, cookies for Potus, almond biscotti for Laura.
2:15 PM Potus calls down, claiming has a mean "Chunky Monkey" in his belly. All White House business is suspended while he naps.
2:45 PM Laura comes out, smokes two Virginia Slims and compliments us on our tight uniform pants.
4:00 PM Sleepy-eyed Potus brings Barney out for another dump.
4:17 PM President locks us in our shack and tips it over, saying, "I got you Osama bin Hussein!"
5:00 PM Cheney leaves for VP residence in ambulance.
5:30 PM White House closed for business. Potus rings and orders us not to let anyone in unless Abramoff comes by with pizza. He invites us up to watch Air Force One again. We decline.
12:30 AM Condi privately escorted in through kitchen entrance.
1:00 AM Laura secretly exits through kitchen entrance and gets in my waiting Camaro.