Here's an example of a question I would have liked to have seen:

What are we going to do about the private contractors who are taking our money to build shit-stained schools, who are taking jobs away from Iraqis, and who have, as of late, been a bit rapey?

But no. Instead, we got softball New Years questions, a near fist fight over hand-raising, and Pop Up Video-like stats coming up in the middle of the candidate's answers, like the debates were geared for twelve-year-olds.

Here are some questions I am surprised they did not ask:

"Ron Paul, you are the only GOP candidate who opposes the war. Also, you have remobilized America's apathetic youth into a grassroots movement in the spirit of a true democracy. Our question is: Who would win in an 'adorable' contest, you or Dennis Kucinich?"

"Joe Biden, if you could describe Barack Obama using one racial slur, what would it be?"

"Rudy Giuliani, what happened on September 11th?"

"Chris Dodd...who...are you?"

"Fred Thompson, people have questioned your foreign policy experience. While we are trying to nation-build...I'm just kidding...what's Sam Waterson like in real life?"

"Hillary Clinton, boxers or briefs?"

"Dennis Kucinich, any question would have been nice since the Des Moines Register didn't let him debate."

"Barack Obama, can I bum a smoke?"

"John McCain, after being tortured and held prisoner in another unjust war, how can you be in support of this one?! I mean, really! You used to be a semi-rational man who could have helped bring both parties together, but you sold out to crazy right-wing loons like the very crazy, very dead Jerry Falwell! C'mon man! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Mike Huckabee, would you describe Jesus as awesome or super awesome?"

"Alan Keyes...I'm sorry, we're out of time."