The long-awaited answer to the Rape vs. Mormonism question was finally answered...and, boy, was it close! GOP voters this week put Mike the "Thinks Gays are the End of Civilization but Rape is Not" Huckabee 22 points ahead of Mitt "The Mormon" Romney.

Now, for anyone who doesn't know, rape involves someone being forced to submit to sex against their will. Some people who rape go to prison, and then are released by presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Then they rape again...and murder! This is bad.

But, to Iowa voters, you know what's worse? That's right! Creepy dudes in white button downs. You see, they believe that God sent all of his laws down to a convicted conman named Joseph Smith. Silly, but still not up to rape par.

However, dig a little deeper, and you will see that Mormonism was also a racist organization until the late '70s. Speaking out against abolition and having such wonderful tales as the battle of Cumorah, a story in which the Nephites (good white people) fought against the Lamanites, whose punishment for turning away from God was to be afflicted with dark skin (black people), Mormonism cruised through the Civil Rights era.

Now, rape and Mormons are both awful, so what put Mormons over the top? You guessed it! More rape.

You see, a lot of Mormon traditions involve rape. All sorts! Regular, statutory, etc.
Until the government said something like: "You need to stop having sex with your underage relatives." They took multiple wives, some related to them, and under the age of 14. Yuck!

So Mormonism wins. Congratulations! Voters think you're worse than the worst crime in the world...rape! Also, Mormonism can't be stopped with a whistle. Trust me, I've tried.