So I'm supposed to write something about Thanksgiving, and I figured that a detailed synopsis of how turkeys are slaughtered isn't really down funny bone ally. Instead, I will look one month ahead to the far more capitalist-friendly Christmas. And as an Atheist, I will also mock and ridicule it.

My list of what I want for Christmas this year:

1) PRESENTS! (That's right, I don't believe in God, but anyone who has to suffer through eight years of this crazed evangelical deserves Guitar Hero.)

2) A Democratic congress. (Wait. We have one? No, really? I don't believe you. What about the war? Mukasey? That's not funny).

3) Presidential frontrunners who actually have a progressive agenda. (Dispute me.)

4) Gay Marriage. (Not just the law. I want to get gay married. After years of these insane debates, I am so fed up that--even as a straight male--this year I want to get gay married out of protest. I also want to have two-to-three abortions, and construct a summer home made from burnt American flags.)

5) Liberals who do something. (You are not politically active by default if you):
A. Comment on blogs.
B. Smoke pot.
C. Believe September 11 was masterminded by Karl Rove and John F. Kennedy.
D. Say that both candidates are the same and all media is controlled by corporations. Then, instead of seeking out third party candidates, or supporting independent journalism, you don't vote, don't read the news, then get high, theorize about September 11, and badmouth people's blogs.

6) Jesus to come back, inform Christians that they have made a mockery out of him, then crucify himself, while sticking up not one, but two middle fingers.

Happy whatever the fuck made-up holiday it is!