I.
Spitzer to Emperor VIP Pimp 9:45am: Hey. Gonna be in DC tonight and lonely. Send me a lady, plz? Not picky. No stretch marks, though. Maybe ethnic?

Emperor VIP Pimp 9:57am: How about "Sandra Buttock?"

Spitzer to Emperor 10:02am: Cool w/ me as long as she is willing 2 play "hamburger?"

Emperor to Spitzer 10:09am: What is hamburger?

Spitzer to Emperor 10:17am: I put raw patties on her chest, eat them off. No biggie. :P

II.
Sandra Buttock to Spitzer 1:24pm: Hey Sailor. I'll be seeing you tonight. Can't wait.

Spitzer to Sandra 1:31pm: Do u download illegal mp3's?

Sandra to Spitzer 1:47pm: Sometimes?

Spitzer to Sandra 1:56pm: I'm gonna pound u harder than I did Sony. Also, call me Client 9.

Sandra to Spitzer 2:02pm: Why?

Spitzer to Sandra 2:07pm: You'll find out later but I can tell u this: it involves knives and ketchup. A LOT of ketchup. And a plaster-mold of my penis.

Spitzer to Sandra 2:19pm: Also, I might take a dump on u.

III.
Silda Spitzer to Eliot Spitzer 3:00pm: Hey hon, don't forget to call tonight to say goodnight to the kids. : )

Eliot to Silda 3:09pm: Have meetings all night + my phone is dying. Sorry : (

Silda to Eliot 3:12pm: Don't you have a charger?

Eliot to Silda 3:16pm: What? Can't hear u. Bad reception. I'll try again l8r.

Silda to Eliot 3:20pm: ? It's a text message. Do you even love me anymore?

Eliot to Silda 3:25pm: Going through tunnel for next hours. Yeesh. Government is hard.

IV.
Spitzer to Ted Kennedy 4:16pm: You ever have "Sandra Buttock?"

Kennedy to Spitzer 4:19pm: Yes. She bites. Had to get stitches on the inside of my mouth. Worth it.

V.
Spitzer to Sandra Buttock 5:01pm: Think u can handle me?

Sandra to Spitzer 5:09pm: I'll take care of you, don't worry.

Spitzer to Sandra 5:17pm: I hope u like throw-up.

Sandra to Spitzer 5:25pm: Too bad! This is my night!

VI.
FBI to Eliot Spitzer 6:30pm: Mr. Spitzer. This is an FBI text-message probe. Are you going to engage in illicit activities with a prostitute tonight?

Spitzer to FBI 6:41pm: Wha? No! Ha, ha! Nice joke, you guys. No. No way. I'm at Six Flags with all my kids. You guys should come!

FBI to Spitzer 6:52pm: It's almost 7pm in February, Mr. Spitzer. Six Flags is not open.

Spitzer to FBI 7:01pm: LOL. Loosen those ties, FEDS! Remember what I did to Wall Street?? Watch out, ha!

[Spitzer's inner-monologue at this point: "Like putty in my hands, the FBI. " He then drinks an entire bottle of Goldschlager]

VII.
Spitzer's Son to Eliot 8:22pm: Dad, mom has been crying a lot and moaning your name...

Eliot to Son 8:37pm: No, silly. She's probably just working on a new song. You know how much she loves music. And she has overactive tear-ducts.

Son to Eliot 8:56pm: Mom is a terrible singer and broke her teeth on a clarinet. And now she's on the floor, punching the cat.

Eliot to Son 9:02pm: I'm so proud of u, son. Keep doing great in school.

Son to Eliot 9:12pm: What does that even mean?

Eliot to Son 9:17pm: <3 (that is a heart. Just learned how to do that, neat! G2G, headed into 17 hour meeting!! Boo! LOL!)

VIII.
Spitzer to Kennedy 10:12pm: I am txting while boning!!!@@@!!!!!!!

Kennedy to Spitzer 10:22pm: I just drank a whole thing of bleach!

IX.
Spitzer to Sandra Buttock 2:45am: Hey babe wish I could've stayed longer but I couldn't. Have 2 do taxes all day. Lolz. U were sleeping so I stole your bra and peed in the sink. (because toiled was clogged with hamburger meat. Oops!) C U l8r?

Sandra Buttock to Spitzer 5:00am: Please never use my services again.

X.
Messages Spitzer received on March 10th, 2008:

From Michael Bloomberg 12:15pm: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

From Sony/BMG 1:34pm: S-S-S-S-S-S-Suck it! Looks like you got pluggola-ed? Whatever. Don't care if joke sucks. Fuck u!!!!!!

Kenneth Langone, VP of Home Depot 2:01pm: Can't figure out how to text a middle finger. Would love to know how. When I figure it out I'm going to send you like 700 texts of a middle finger and a million of my dick.

Emperor VIP to Spitzer 2:27pm: Just so u know...we're still open. And so are our ladies? Also, if u need work, come by. Bring resume though.