I.
May 14th, 2007
John Edwards to Rielle Hunter 4:54pm: Hi, this is John Edwards. Do u want 2 make a documentary about me?
Hunter to Edwards 5:02pm: I...don't know how?
Edwards to Hunter 5:06pm: Hmm. Maybe we could just have sex then? U know how 2 do that, right ;)
Edwards to Hunter 5:09pm: Come on. It will b fun. Let me surf your oceans of luv.
Edwards to Hunter 5:23pm: I interpret silence as a yes.

II.
August 23rd, 2007
Hunter to Edwards 12:21pm: John, have to talk to you immediately.
Edwards to Hunter 12:34pm: Sorry, babe. Consider our fling...FLUNG. Self-LOL! G2G....FOREVER!
Hunter to Edwards 12:49pm: I'm pregnant.
Edwards to Hunter 12:56pm: With my love.
Hunter to Edwards 1:04pm: What? No. With a baby.
Edwards to Hunter 1:06pm: Ha, ha! You wish!
Hunter to Edwards 1:12pm: I'm serious.
Edwards to Hunter 1:20pm: Can we name it "Internet"?
Hunter to Edwards 1:23pm: No.
Edwards to Hunter 1:28pm: How about "Home Depot."
Hunter to Edwards 1:34pm: I'll...consider it.
Edwards to Hunter 1:41pm: I'm gonna feed it glass.

III.
December 12th, 2007
Edwards to Bill Clinton 3:30pm: How do I cover up a massive scandal?
Clinton to Edwards 3:34pm: Wut kind?
Edwards to Clinton 3:41pm: Illegitimate child.
Clinton to Edwards 3:56pm: AhahaaHAHAHAAAHAHH SCREWED!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! x 1,000,000,000,000 + 38892489484.333333 repeating!!!
Edwards to Clinton 4:00pm: Thanks for your help?
Clinton to Edwards 4:06pm: U suck at life!

IV.
February 28th, 2008
Hunter to Edwards 11:34pm: After hours of labor...she's finally here...and she's beautiful. Say Hello to Frances Quinn Hunter! <3
Edwards to Hunter 11:43pm: Throw her in the trash
Hunter to Edwards 11:56pm: John, no!
Edwards to Hunter 12:03am: Fine. See if I care.

V.
March 13th, 2008
Edwards to Campaign Aide Andrew Young 10:09am: Listen, do me a favor, say you're the father of this child I just had with some slut.
Young to Edwards 10:12am: What? Why?
Edwards to Young 10:16am: Trust me, it'll be fun.
Young to Edwards 10:21am: How?
Edwards to Young 10:43am: Free kid without messy "sex."
Young to Edwards 10:51am: That actually takes all the fun out of it.
Edwards to Young 10:58am: Whatever, nerd.

VI.
April 16th, 2008
National Enquirer to Mainstream Media 9:56am: Hello? This is actually real this time. Is anyone listening?
Media to Enquirer 10:01am: Whatever, queers. Why don't you come back to us when Tori Spelling turns into a dolphin.
Enquirer to Media 10:04am: She did this morning.

VII.
June 23rd, 2008
Hunter to Edwards 2:14pm: When are you going to come see your daughter?
Edwards to Hunter 2:22pm: How about never o'clock next YeahRightsDay?
Hunter to Edwards 2:34pm: ??
Edwards to Hunter 2:47pm: Bill was right...

VIII.
August 6th, 2008
John Edwards to Elizabeth Edwards 12:01pm: I...am so sorry about all this.
Elizabeth to John 12:04pm: Why are you texting me? We're in the same room. I'm ironing your shirt. And now you're laughing. Why are you laughing?
John to Elizabeth 12:11pm: Someone texted me a picture of Obama's head on a T-rex.
Elizabeth to John 12:45pm: This is ridiculous.
John to Elizabeth 12:53pm: Where r u going???
John to Elizabeth 12:58pm: The beach?
John to Elizabeth 1:08pm: I guess not.
John to Elizabeth 1:12pm: Do we have unlimited text?

IX.
August 8th 2008
National Enquirer to Mainstream Media 8:34am: WOW! How does it feel 2 b scooped?!
Media to Enquirer 8:56am: Whatever.
Enquirer to Media 9:01am: Go cry into your little Obama Pillows.
Media to Enquirer 9:10am: We don't have those.
Enquirer to Media 9:31am: You will soon enough
Media to Enquirer 9:45am: ?
Enquirer to Media 9:54am: Suck on it, Rupert.

X.
August 9th, 2008
Hillary Clinton to John Edwards 7:56am: LOL! So many LOL!
McCain to John Edwards 9:12am: Spill that seed, son!
Ann Coulter to Edwards 10:04am: I can become relevant again! THX!!
Mike Gravel to Edwards 10:23am: This is truly a blessing, John.
Hillary to Edwards 11:05am: I am bleeding from laughter.

XI.
August 10th, 2008
John Edwards to Elizabeth Edwards 11:45pm: Well...I guess that's it.
Elizabeth to John 12:01am: John! Stop it! We're in the same bed, just rollover!
John to Elizabeth 12:05am: Goodbye, sweet, sweet princess...
Elizabeth to John 12:09am: You know what, don't turn around because if you do I will fill your mouth with fist.
John to Elizabeth 12:13am: In a sexy way?
John to Elizabeth 12:42am: No?
John to Elizabeth 12:56am: I'm gonna go eat a bunch of ham.

XII.
August 11th, 2008
Barack Obama to Edwards (and everyone else who signed up for that thing) 8:43pm: Well everyone, it looks like I'm ready to announce the VP candidate. And that candidate is...
Barack Obama to Edwards/America 8:47pm: ...Not you, John Edwards. More like V.S...Vice Suck. Goodnight, USA!