7:03pm: Clinton walks into a popular West-Philadelphia beauty parlor. Ladies in their seats turn around as Hillary yells "Yo, give me that hip-hop hair!" Everyone stares blankly as Remy Ma's Conceited plays in the background. "This is my shit!" Hillary cries, "Turn me up in the headphones!" A stylist informs Ms. Clinton she's not wearing headphones or any kind of headgear, for that matter. "I'm rich motherfucker!" Hillary yells and throws four fifty-dollar bills into the air.

7:42pm: Obama walks by a little league game in Pennsylvania Dutch Country. The coach flags him down.

Coach: Obama! Obama! You gotta come throw the first pitch, please?

Obama: Oh, I'm flattered, but I don't know if I have time.

Coach: Please, Obama? My son adores you. We're all voting for you tomorrow.

[Obama walks to the mound, ball in hand. He squats down and eyes the batter. He shakes his head "no" again, and again. He looks like a murder-bull]

Obama: TIME!

Coach: It's just the opening pitch...

Obama: You shut your filthy mouth, Amish.

Coach: I'm not Amish?

[The catcher trots up to the mound]

Catcher: Mr. Obama, just lob the ball to me. That's all you need to do.

Obama: [grabbing kid by collar] IS that all I need to do? Tell me, is that all I need to become president of Americaville?

Catcher: ...No?

Obama: Are your parents here?

Catcher: Yes, they are in the stands.

Obama: Wave to them.

Catcher: Wha...

Obama: [angry whisper] WAVE TO THEM!

[catcher nervously turns and waves to parents, parents wave back]

Catcher's Mom: I can't believe he's talking to someone black!

Catcher's Dad: Finally.

Obama: That's right, parents. Say goodbye.

Catcher: Mr. Obama, are you going to hurt me?

Obama: Yes.

8:27pm
[Hillary has just walked into a Manyunk, PA karaoke bar]

Hillary: DJ. Hit me with some Walking on Broken Glass.

DJ: Sorry , don't have that one.

[Hillary produces a knife and a scowl]

Hilary: Do you have it now?

DJ: No...

9:03pm
[Obama is wrapping up his private tour of the Liberty Bell]

Tour guide: And that's about it, do you have any questions, Mr. Obama?

Obama: Can I sleep inside the bell tonight?

Tour guide: Uh...

Obama: Say yes.

Tour guide:Yes?

Obama:: I'm going to be King.

Tour guide: I'm...going to leave.

9:45pm
Hillary walks in to a bowling alley in Wilkes-Barre, quickly bowls a 300, punches a drifter, slams some cheese fries and walks out with rented bowling shoes still on. Also, she pees on a cat behind a dumpster.

10:19pm
Obama, nestled inside the Liberty Bell, wearing an American flag robe, sobs himself to sleep.

11:39pm
Hillary punches a bellhop in the face at the Marriot she's saying in.

11:42pm
Hillary punches Bill in the nuts.

11:51pm
Hillary sends drunk email to Chelsea: When this whole shit is over, so are you. I'm gonna shave your head...whatever! Ffoiffdfdjdfodiijfjifoiff FELL ASLEEP SORRY

12:06am
Obama falls out of Liberty Bell, because it's a giant bell.