HOST: Hello everyone and welcome to...

AUDIENCE: STUMP...THE...CANDIDATE!

HOST: That's right! Just last night, Sarah Palin asked for it and now we're going to play...

AUDIENCE: STUMP...THE...CANDIDATE!

HOST: Alright. I think we're ready to meet our contestant....

[Dramatic music fills the amphitheater. The lights go down and a chair rises up from the floor, revealing Sarah Palin in the seat, smiling, waving and playfully holding a shotgun.]

HOST: Well, well, well Mrs. Palin--you certainly come correct.

SARAH: This old thing? In Alaska, we call this a purse!

[Entire audience roars. Many people lightly hit the person next to them saying things like "Can you believe her?!" and "She is FUNNY," and "RAWR! Right?"]

HOST: Well, I hope you took your vitamins this morning.

SARAH: I sure did. You know what I didn't take?

HOST: What's that?

SARAH: Birth control!

[People are now choking really hard. From laughing/whooping. Palin is standing on her chair with her hand cupped up against her ear as if to say "MAKE SOME NOISE."]

HOST: Well, tell us a little about yourself.

SARAH: Well, Charlie--

HOST: Not my name.

SARAH: Charlie, I am--as you know--I. Don't. Blink.

[Long pause, staring]

HOST: Well--

[Palin lunges forward and shows fang-like teeth to the host.]

HOST: Lovely chompers. Let's play...

AUDIENCE: STUMP...THE...CANDIDATE!

HOST: Ok, question one: The book Common Sense was written by--

SARAH: You mean, using your head?

HOST: No, wait--you didn't let me finish the question--

SARAH: I know what common sense is.

HOST: Yes, of course but there's a book--

SARAH: I don't need a book to tell me what common sense is--am I right, America?

[Crowd cheers wildly, Palin shoots bullets into the air.]

HOST: Ok. Well--just for your general info, there is a book entitled Common Sense by Thomas Paine and it's a book that spoke on the idea of independence from Britain.

SARAH: Which, we currently are free from.

ANNCR: Yes...?

SARAH: Charlie--let me ask you something.

HOST: Again, my name is Henry and we're really running out of time.

SARAH: How do I fix my email?

HOST: I...don't know.

SARAH: I need to send a bunch of those E-Birthday-cards.

HOST: Ok. Great. Onto the next question--in regards to the recent bill passed in the house on Offshore Drilling--

SARAH: I will drill any-fucking-where.

HOST: Ok, but that is not the quest--

SARAH: Do you have oil in your head?

HOST: No, I have brain?

SARAH: You don't know that. Hey! Audience? Who wants to find out if this guy has oil in his head?!

AUDIENCE: WE DO! WE DO!

SARAH: I'm sorry, Charlie.

HOST: Henry

SARAH: America has spoken!

HOST: No, they haven't! You haven't even answered one question.

SARAH: Fine. Ask a question. Go on. Stump me. I dare you, right AMERICA?

[So much yelling]

HOST: Ok, you're a former Mayor--

SARAH: LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION!

[Palin then proceeds to take rifle between legs and starts riding it around the theater like a horse. Everyone is cheering and throwing money out of their wallets. Henry, the host, cries softly at his desk. He really thought this was going to be his big break. Guess not, Henry.]

SARAH: I AM THE MISTRESS OF DOOM!

[Continues riding shotgun until it inadvertently shoots someone. Pauses. Says "That's politics for you!" and then starts riding again.]