[Edwards is sitting at the end of the bar. He's been there all day and night]

Edwards: [singing] 'Til we go! To the end of the roooad! No I can't let go...it's unnatural, I belong to you...go!

[Bartender walks up to him]

Bartender: Ok, buddy. I think you've had enough.

Edwards: Hey! You're Michael Dukakis!

Dukakis: [quickly] Don't you think I know that! Shh! I don't want the whole place to know!

Edwards: You're in the same boat, you and I...

Dukakis: No we're not.

Edwards: We both dropped out...

Dukakis: No I didn't! I was the nominee!

Edwards: We both have the same hair...

Dukakis: I'm bald!

Edwards: Yeah man. We should do something together.

Dukakis: What?

Edwards: You run for prez...I can be VP. How could would that be?

Dukakis: Let me get this straight. In your fantasy someone who lost a presidential election in the late 80s, magically wins the presidency and you become the VP for a president that's 80 years old?

Edwards: Yeah. Or, I have this screenplay we could touch up. It's kind of like Bring it On, meets The Simpsons Movie.

Dukakis: Animated, dancing cheerleaders that are kind of crass?

Edwards: No. But that would be so cool!

[Edwards takes off his shirt and gets on top of the bar because "Pina Colada" comes on]

Edwards: Shots!

[Rudy Giuliani is at the end of the bar looking sad]

Rudy: Keep it down!

Edwards: Rudy? Rudy Giuliani? Shouldn't you be hunched over John McCain's cock somewhere?

[Edwards and Dukakis high-five]

Rudy: Come on, really? Mike?

Dukakis: What? It was a good joke.

[Suddenly, a group of men in capes and spandex enter. They step into the light. From left to right they are: Al Sharpton, Howard Dean, Pat Buchanan, Dennis Kucinich and the Ghost of John Edwards 2004 Campaign. Ghost John steps forward]

Edwards2004: Rudy, future Me...why are you doing this to yourselves?

Edwards2008: That's my ghost! [he picks up a dart and throws it at the crowd. It hits Howard Dean in the neck]

Dean: I always knew it'd end like this!

[Dean falls to the floor]

Edwards2004: Don't worry about him; he's gone now. Guys! What are you doing? You think just because you lost, had to drop out that you have to stop helping America? Huh?

[Edwards2008 has now taken off his pants]

Edwards2004: Rudy! If you hadn't been mayor during 9/11, would you have just sat there and watched buildings crumble while sitting in your barcalounger?

Rudy: [with deep resignation] No...

Edwards2004: And John! When John Kerry lost that race with you at his side...

John Kerry: [in the corner crying on top of the jukebox] I'm right here!

Edwards2004: Did you just pack it in? Stop working for the middle class? Did you?

Edwards2008: No. How am I a ghost?

Edwards2004: Nevermind that. The point is this: sure, it'd be nice to be president...have that status across the globe. You'd have a nice house, a lot of power, but really, does it matter? We just lay our swords at our opponents feet and seclude ourselves like Pataki?

Pataki: [emerging from a trashcan] Fuck you!

Dukakis: Actually, I kind of did that...

Edwards2004: Shut up! Look--

Buchanan: I have to go to the bathroom.

John2004: Back and to the right.

Rudy: How could he even see that?

John2004: When you become a ghost, the ghost lord gives you hawk eyes. Enough! This is America and the chance you have to make a difference is big. Don't stop fighting you guys, don't stop--

[suddenly a motorcycle flies through the door, knocking out ghost Edwards and Al Sharpton. Dennis Kucinich is somehow still standing. He's writing a bill or something. There are two people riding on it. They get off, take their helmets off and we see the men as Fred Thompson and Mike Gravel]

Thompson: Howdy boys! What'd we miss?

Gravel: Barkeep! Your finest Gimlet!

Dukakis: Well, I don't know how to make--

Gravel: Gimlet! Now!

[motorcycle falls over and takes out Kucinich]

Thompson: Yes!

[Edwards2008 collapses and Rudy cries hysterically]

Dukakis: Jesus. LAST CALL!

Ross Perot's Head in a Jar: More like first call.

Dukakis: Shut up, Ross.

[Fin]