Senator Barack Obama: [on his upcoming weekend off at home in Chicago] "These kids are planning to make pizza, so who knows what our kitchen will look like," he said. "They shouldn't call these sleepovers. They should call them wake-overs."

Hype Man: OH SHIT OBAMA! I just choked on my Nutter Butters! That shit is hilarious, son! FOUR MORE YEARS, FOUR MORE YEARS. Yo, I can't stop eating Nutter Butters.

Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council: "For John McCain to be competitive, he has to connect with the base to the point that they're intense enough that they're contagious. Right now they're not even coughing."

Hype Man: Yo, this man wants America to be all sick and whatnot. Everyone coughing? You got a virus, Tony Perkins? Like, HPV? I don't play that extended metaphor bullshit, son. Why don't you go read some Samuel Taylor Coleridge and GET OUT MY AREA CODE.

McCain Spokesman Tucker Bounds: "Barack Obama doesn't understand the American economy, and that's change we just can't afford."

Hype Man: OH SNAP. He just found another way to make fun of that "change" thing. Yo, I hope it never stops. I want to ride the mobius strip of change, SON! I just swallowed a Nutter Butter whole!

Leon Panetta, former Clinton Chief of Staff: "The Clintons are and probably always will be a paradox."

Hype Man: I ain't gonna even play. That shit is TRUE. They always like "Yo, I'm sayin' one thing but then I'm sayin' some other shit." And Bill is all "Yo, let me get some DOME from a bunch of honeys," while Hillary is all "I love my mans." Sometimes I think Hillary has a dong.

First Lady, Laura Bush: "Of course, I want the woman president to be a Republican woman."

Hype Man: Yo, Laura Bush is MAD predictable, son! I wish should have dropped some words like: "Yo, I want the woman president to be a talking car that can fly and solve mysteries," because all of America would be like "Yo, that's crazy," but after awhile everyone would be like "Nah, kid. That shit is true. Talking car would be mad cool." And then everyone would take their shirts off and go to water parks.

Senator John McCain: "Under Sen. Obama's tax plan, Americans of every background would see their taxes rise--seniors, parents, small business owners."

Hype Man: Yo, John McCain is clairvoyant?! I hope he says some more about the future like what it'll be like in 2080. I think babies is gonna come out as computers with the internet installed in they eyeballs.

Jimmy Carter on the idea of a Obama/Clinton Ticket: "The worst mistake that could be made."

Hype Man: [is so overwhelmed by this quote that he takes his shoes and shirt off and throws it out the window. Then he pours water on himself because "that shit is on fire" and then he rolls in a bunch of flour because the entire time he's been typing this in the kitchen of a restaurant his cousin owns. His cousin asks "what's up?" and the Hype Man shows him the article. His cousin then takes off his chef hat and apron and yells "I quit the restaurant business FOREVER." They both run out into the streets and start their new lives together.]