With the recent realization that there is an active glacier on Mars, the question has come to the forefront in the Oval Office: Who has been hiding this glacier from us? And why?

"It is clear to my administration," said President Bush this past Wednesday, "that Al Qaeda forces have broken into one of our most prized heavenly bodies. We have little option but to blow up the entire planet."

Many have complained that we have limited evidence that Al Qaeda has started a space program at all, let alone already made it to Mars. Vice President Cheney addressed the press this afternoon: "We cannot be attacked again. We must strike before Al Qaeda manages to solidify their hold on the Red Planet."

The vice president then took some time to show the press evidence of Al Qaeda's presence on Mars. "Please examine the shape of the glacier. Now turn your head sideways and squint a little bit. Do you see what I see? That's right. It's a perfect profile of Osama bin Laden."

White House Press Secretary Dana Perrino added that the administration is trying to kill two birds with one stone: "We have already decided to get rid of a number of our nuclear weapons. We think the best thing for everyone would be for us to fire those bombs on Mars. That way, they won't be wasted."

"My fellow Americans. We simply cannot tolerate an interplanetary Al Qaeda," Mr. Bush told the press. Mr. Bush concluded by warning that "we can only imagine the terrible terrors that would occur if there happen to be aliens on Mars who have now been converted to fundamentalist Islam."