Dear liberals in Congress,

I know we're all scared of the coming recession. Many of you have expressed doubts as to how I will put money into the hands of people and businesses without raising any taxes or cutting anything from the budget. You should not be afraid, because I've come up with a plan to solve the whole thing. I have asked scientists across the country to make me a money tree, which is to say, a tree that grows money. There is no doubt that they shall succeed for if any of them do, I have promised them their own money tree, that is, a tree that grows money.

I do not believe we need to invest resources into any recession stopping fund. There is no need to raise taxes, there is no need to cut government funding for anything. Certain liberal hawks have suggested that since we spend about 270 million dollars a day on Iraq, perhaps that would be a good place to start trimming budgets. But I disagree. I think that the first place we should turn is the money tree.

As an added bonus, we will be helping the economy by putting money in the hands of our working scientists. They haven't had much to do since I cut all money for researching stem cells, and I don't remember the last time there was any big breakthrough to come out of their laboratories. Hopefully, this will get them to start contributing something useful to America again. And anyway, if they fail, I'll just cut all their funding completely, saving the nation a whatever deal of money it would lose by trying to pay for the money tree.

For years, people have been asking if I believed money grew on trees as if it were a thing impossible. But I have been thinking about it, and I believe all of those people have forgotten something crucial: trees are the principle ingredients in money! The money tree is not a possibility, it is an inevitability.

We must believe in our scientists. We must hold fast to the belief that they will triumph over what some cynics have dubbed a "crazy stupid idea." I ask the Congress, and the entirety of the American People to trust my judgment. And don't worry so much. If this plan fails, I do have a backup. I'm going to slash welfare to the bone.

George W. Bush