John McCain, theorizing that he could time travel in his own lifetime, stepped into a particle accelerator and vanished. He awoke to find himself in another time, facing mirror images that were years gone. Now, he leaps through time, hoping that each leap...will be...the leap home. These are the tales of John McCain, whose physical form is here, in the present; however, his mind is zooming around in the past, and that past is having an effect on his present state.

Making a run for the White House in 2000, John McCain fell into 1996. McCain was astounded. He looked about him in 1996 and saw that the world was not good. Democrats were in power. McCain had to do something! He started waving his hands up and down, shouting "rawgh rawgh rawgh." (It comes from the back of the throat. Try it.) Due to McCain's "rawghing," the Republicans came back from the brink of defeat, taking over Congress and setting the stage for the 2000 election. Unfortunately for John, his body followed through, ironically ruining the election for himself. Republicans everywhere were excited, the base was thrilled, "Tax cuts for all! Bomb the abortion clinics!" The cheers came out gleefully from the base. Poor John was caught rawghing all alone.

After spending the past few years leaping about through Vietnam, helping his buddies escape the Viet Cong, McCain has leapt into the year 2000, where he hopes to set right what went wrong for him the first time. He supports our troops and our country to a fault. He speaks the words that make conservatives grab at their chests and salute. He's a true patriot. Unfortunately, it's exactly what's going to ruin him for the 2008 election.

It's just true, America. I mean, what else could it be? That John McCain came into the 2000 primaries, full of fire and pep, ready to change the system and energize more than just the Republican base? That he may have won if it weren't for the slime-ball tactics of Karl Rove, who used push polling and other bouts of sleaziness to attack John McCain through outright lies and base accusations? That the Bush administration, furious that they had almost been beaten by McCain, set out to break him down publicly, causing him more damage than the Hanoi Hilton ever could have and now he knows how to do little more than whole heartedly support the Bush administration? That's ridiculous America. Occam's fucking razor, he's obviously a time traveler.

We're waiting for you, John. Leap on home.