I'm hungry, and matzah will no longer cut it.

Maybe you're a goy. Maybe you think of matzah and say to yourself, "Stale crackers! Mmmm! Those Jews sure make a tasty piece of unleavened bread!" In that case, you have never eaten matzah for an entire week. More, in fact. A week and two days. Eight fucking days. No bread, no cereal, no pasta, and worst of all, no beer. But that's not what's important. What's important is that matzah is disgusting.

I guess I should start off by assuming you're completely ignorant of the Jewish people. Here's the deal. A long time ago, the Jews were slaves in Egypt, then God freed us, but there wasn't much time to get out of the country before we'd be recaptured. Poor planning from the "break out of slavery" committee meant that there was only time to bake unleavened bread, or matzah. Because the Jewish people are what the Jewish people are, over the next few millennia, rabbis compared notes on just how they could replicate the feelings of those Jews in exile. They decided that the best way would be to stop Jews from eating any combination of wheat and fermentation for eight full days and nights. That's Passover, those eight days. Some rabbis take it even further, decreeing that anything that swelled up at ALL was leaven, and so for that reason, the Ashkenazi Jews (being Jews that came from Eastern Europe, i.e. most of us) were also denied things like rice and beans. Matzah balls, for some reason, are still OK. So that's your crash course on the history of Passover. But let's get back to matzah.

To begin with, matzah's pretty tasteless. Don't think that egg matzah's your solution, because first off, egg matzah tastes like eggs, and I don't like goddamn eggs, and secondly, egg matzah actually isn't kosher for Passover. That's right. If you're deciding to be a super-Jew for Passover, you're not allowed to have egg matzah anyway. It's just for old and sick people. There's chocolate covered matzah out there, but if you have any interest in your health, you can't eat that much of the stuff, pretty much leading you straight back to plain matzah again. No lie here: The entirety of Passover, you will spend more time trying to find something to put on top of matzah than you will spend doing anything that you enjoy.

Matzah has all these lines that go across it, but it doesn't really like to break on them, even though it's perforated. That's annoying. Because there you are, you've finally figured out a way to smear avocado onto matzah, you've thrown cheese on top and all manner of other crap, you go to break it in half so it'll be more manageable, and it just shatters. So now you have little chunks of matzah all over the place, and you just make a mess of your hands.

Here's something else. Did you realize that it's almost useless to put anything solid on matzah? It's true! Because of how easily incredibly dry crackers crumble, matzah continually breaks itself while you're eating it. And unlike bread, which you can squeeze a bit and it'll sort of wrap around what you put between two pieces of it, matzah stays a straight sheet for the entirety of the consumption experience. So basically, for those eight days, everyone eating matzah is heating matzah with glop on top. Glop of many flavors, to be assured. Glop, which if you weren't eating it for eight days, you might like rather a lot, but glop nonetheless. Because you're eating it for eight days, and nothing is tasty after eight days, do you understand that? Nothing. And let's not even get into what all this cracker eating does to your ass. Let me just say that after Passover, you will never want to shit again.

So if you have a couple Jewish friends, and you see them slapping some cream cheese onto a big piece of matzah, don't say to them, "Ooo! I LOVE matzah!" Try to look with some sympathy. You don't need to call attention to it. We know what we're eating. We've been eating it for the past week straight.

Three days 'til pizza...three days 'til beer...I think I can. I think I can.