Dear Mr. McCain,

I'm sure you read this site. At the very least, I'm convinced that you read this site. I'd like to think that you've read the things I've written about you and given them a quick chuckle. My thesis on your abilities as a time traveler, my sketch where the incomprehensible amount of torture you went through in Vietnam blew up the planet, I hope you've looked at these pieces with the quiet grace and humility that befits a public figure. I especially hope so because right now, I'm going to ask you for a job.

Barack Obama has clinched the Democratic nomination, which means that for you, the presidential campaign can finally get started. Good for you. Congratulations. We're all waiting to see just how you do. But Mr. McCain, I think you need a better speechwriter. Someone who can pull the heart strings just right, who can make people feel that special kind of guilt that only a comedy writer can muster. Below, you will find the first draft of a speech that I believe will be needed very soon. Please peruse it at your own pace. I hope that my people will be hearing from your people very soon:

Hello, America. May I ask you a question? Can a white man get a break? It's a simple question. Can a white man get a break? Well? Can he? This whole general election campaign has been going on for a few months, and I tell you it's been quite a blow to my ego. I've come to the conclusion that you bastards never gave me a chance.

I'm a war hero, don't you know that? I fought in Vietnam; do you know what he did? Nothing.

Can a white man get a break?

You people never gave me a chance. Mama McCain's little boy just wanted to do his best to help his country. And what do I get from you? Ulcers. You say to me, "John, we don't want to be at war for a hundred years. John, aren't you already a million years old? John, what sort of adult diapers should I consider using?" The answers to all those questions: Depends. There are many factors that you have to take into consideration!

Can't a white man get a break?

I have suffered for you, America. I have bled and I have been kicked around. I tried to be an exciting candidate in 2000, and do you know what happened? You left me. You let George W. Bush take the candidacy and he proceeded to abuse me for eight solid years, but I am not a broken man! My mind is still strong! John McCain survives! But if you want to go ahead and vote for Barack Obama, go ahead. All the polling says you're going to, so go ahead. Next Tuesday, when you're still getting up, drinking your coffee, hoping the scum in your eyes won't keep you from getting your next bong hit, just go ahead and vote for Barack Obama, because his political career has cost him sooooo much. It's fine. I love shrinking into a hollow husk of a man in the corner, it's my hobby. Go ahead and vote for him. See what I care.