For years, mainstream skeptical scientists have clung to their ivory towers, like bears clinging to their cubs when hunters come to kill Lassie's mother. They throw out their big words, forcing all of us to accept as fact what are, after all, merely theories.¹ What's worse, they keep those other legitimate scientists kept out of the game for such little reasons as our lack of education in our field,² and for our obvious myth-busting abilities. Gravity is a hoax, a "Theory" created by Sir Isaac Newton,³ kept alive by so-called "Scientists" because they were part of a massive conspiracy.

It is my theory that the entire earth is covered in an invisible, elastic glue that keeps us tied firmly to the ground. Furthermore, I believe that the mainstream scientific world understands that this is true, and that it is a conspiracy from those on high at NASA, since they obviously know about the glue, they being the only people on earth with the knives sharp enough to cut the glue.⁴

Gravity is obviously an unrealistic concept. Think about it. If I'm standing at the north pole, I am pulled down. If I'm at the south pole, according to Gravity, I should be pulled down then too!⁵ Obviously, the only obvious explanation is that we are all equally glued to the ground!

Why is NASA doing this? Keeping us tied to the ground when we could all soar into outer space? Because of money, of course. Think about it. NASA has a huge budget, and since they've already got the super sharp knives, they don't need to use that budget for making space ships!⁶ They must be using this money to line their own pockets! You ask for proof? Well if they had the sharp knives all along, why haven't they told us? There's your proof!

But the corruption of NASA isn't even the point here today. The point is that good scientists are kept out of the discourse. We live in a democratic society, and we should be able to democratically decide which theory we are going to follow. What would be so bad about acknowledging the controversy? Why can't we place a sticker in all physics text books stating, "This textbook contains material on gravity. Gravity is a theory, not a fact, regarding the sticking to the ground of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered."⁷ But science won't allow that sticker. And why? Because science is elitist.

Endnotes:

¹http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory#Science

²They also kept me from my goal of being a forklift driver, just because I didn't have a license. The bastards.

³If that's his REAL name...

⁴Is your mind yet blown?

⁵I can't take credit for this one. Cribbed from the Flat Earth Society's main page. Sorry I didn't go out myself as a flat earther, but there's only so far I'm willing to debase Science for the purpose of comedy.

⁶It's SO obvious.

⁷Thanks! Cobb County!