Dear World,

We know you think we're a little crazy over here in China. But you've got to relax. You keep on complaining about our Olympics. "You're torturing dissidents!" "Your air is brown!" You're so silly, World, to concern yourself with these little things.

Let me assure you that China is not going to allow these problems to keep on popping up in your newspaper. We are cracking down on all of these rumors. From now on, when we jail a dissident, we also promise to jail all of their friends and family, so that you won't have to worry about being disturbed by the news anymore! And to all those who are concerned with Beijing having five times the maximum amount of particulate matter from diesel engines and ozone in the air, don't worry so much! We're changing the standards that the World Health Organization sets.

I don't think we need to remind you that with the United States falling on hard times from economic stupidity, we are just about all that's left in terms of world superpowers. We can take out the European Union with just a couple well placed bombs. We've got a billion people! The manual labor we can produce is off the charts, and we make sure they work cheap. So relax, things will be fine. We'll just keep on altering how you look at the world until we're right at the top again. And if you have any problems later on, we'll just execute our head of environmental studies here in China, and then continue adding excess pollution to the world.

Hope to see you in Beijing come August!

China