I have to say something to all those people out there trying to destroy the state of Israel: Please keep on doing what you're doing, thank you, you're awesome. Now that my father, who goes to Synagogue every Saturday morning and keeps on asking me to come see him lead a service, is having a heart attack, and my brother who works for AIPAC is signing the papers to have me killed by a hitman from Mossad, perhaps I should explain something: I don't think these guys are going to succeed. Frankly, I'm banking on them not succeeding. Being a victim of a genocide is not the way I want to go. It's too numerical, you know? I'd prefer to be hit by a speeding ambulance while the meth-addicted driver shouts to his partner, "I can't stop now! I've got lives to save!" That's my happy dream. You know, a death that'll really hit the papers. "Crummy comedy writer dies ironic death!" It'd be beautiful. But really, I appreciate what these guys are doing because I'm hoping for a couple new holidays.

Some of you out there may be confused. Here's your factoid for the day: Unlike Christian holidays that celebrate things like the Pagan Winter Solstice or the Spring Rejuvenation festival, Jewish holidays (with the exception of Yom Kipor and Rosh Hashanah) are all about the near genocide of the Jewish people. Chanukah? We could have been killed by the Romans but we weren't. Spin a dreidle. Passover? We could have been killed by the Egyptians but we weren't. Eat some matzah. Porim, Sukkot, we've even got a holiday now for the Holocaust. Admittedly, right now it's not a very happy one, but give us two hundred years and little Jewish kids all over your neighborhood will be thrilled for it. And listen, I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but we've got a couple more new ones that we're still putting through R & D. Unfortunately, it's proving more difficult than we thought to make a good song centered around, "The gentiles realized they couldn't charge each other interest so no one wanted to be a banker and we made the Jews do it leading to an awful stereotype for years to come." It just doesn't flow quite right.

So come on, you fundamentalists! Try your hearts out! One thing I know about my people, we know how to stay alive, and I have no doubt that you'll fail horribly. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get a day off work because of it. Cross your fingers, America.