I think it's time we take stock of where Ben Stein has parked his career. Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed. Wow. It's quite a place, Ben, and frankly, I can imagine how you feel right now. It's like that time you went out to have some fun, and you saw this girl who wasn't horrible looking, but you really wouldn't be flirting with her if you hadn't had a few too many, and she says to you, "What do you think about Intelligent Design." So you respond, "I think it's silly," but her eyes fall and you catch yourself, "that more people don't believe in it!" And she's so happy because her dad's an Episcopalian minister, and you talk and you drink and you talk and you drink and everything's going great by the time you get her home, but she's a good girl, and she's a virgin and oh Christ it happens so fast that by the time the church bells have tolled, your buzz is just fading, and there you are, married to an ugly girl with a minister father who all believe in ID so strongly that it's the most important key into the girl's bed. Yeah, Ben. I know how you feel.

You need to get away from this movie. Just say the whole thing was Mark Mathis, you know, that scumbag who went to a bunch of respectable scientists, lied to them so they'd appear in his propaganda pick, and then tried to make them say nasty things about people like him. Honestly, Ben! You were in Nixon's administration! You saw him screw up with the whole "records" thing, but Tricky Dick didn't broadcast his mistake to the world!

I know your career's kind of been in the crapper over the last decade, but there's always time to turn it back around. Now look, I think we all know where this started, and maybe that's where we need to go to help you out. It's all about Jimmy, isn't it?

Oh, that boy Jimmy Kimmel. When you two were on Win Ben Stein's Money, back in the day, you were so happy and full of life. You two had this marvelous homosexual innuendo, and it was so clear that you loved it. It got even clearer when you had Nancy as your host and all of your spark faded instantly. She wasn't Jimmy, was she? And that Sal afterwards, it was like that last punch to the gut! The Jimmy that wasn't really Jimmy. Maybe that's what really set you down this dark path? And maybe that's what you need to bring you back to the light.

Give him a call, Ben. I know you've got his number somewhere. Give him a call and ask him to come back. It's not as though his late night career is going that well. The guy proved he could do some hosting in The Man Show, but it doesn't seem like Late Night is where he should be living. Pick up the phone, Ben.

No, Ben. Your career will not be taking off with the premiere of Expelled. Why? Because it's a stupid movie with a stupid argument that's presented in an absolutely retarded manner, by which I mean its arguments could only be convincing to people who were retarded. You're not the right-wing Michael Moore. For fuck's sake, you're not even the right-wing Tom Arnold. This is a bad place for you to be. Get back to putting your money in the hands of your intellect. You thought better then.