TAKOMA PARK, MD -- Though Barack Obama used his soaring campaign momentum to sweep the three regional primaries on Tuesday, the Democratic candidate that has inspired a nation and solicited comparisons to the Lord Almighty failed to win a key primary - the one in this author's apartment.

Obama secured more than 60% of the votes in Maryland and Virginia and won 75% of the votes in the District. But despite these landmark victories, the man who is seeking to become the first African American president in U.S. history failed to garner a single vote in Ivan Sciupac's household.

According to this comprehensive chart, Obama won 0% of the popular vote in Sciupac's one-bedroom converted attic, with 100% of registered voters not voting for the Senator from Illinois.

With 100% precincts reporting late Tuesday, none of the delegates where Sciupac calls home went to Obama as his camp tried to figure out what went wrong. Sciupac, having previously declared himself a "superdelegate" because he completed a crossword puzzle, was left speechless trying to explain what happened.

An analysis of the results shows that Sciupac, who had decided merely two weeks ago to support Obama after months of anguish, was unaware of Maryland voter registration deadlines and was unable to exercise his franchise.

In an election season when his vote would have actually meant something, Sciupac idiotically waited until the last minute to register in the Old Line State, even though he had plenty of time to do so since moving from D.C. more than 18 months ago.

"Man, that was really stupid of me," Sciupac was overheard telling his girlfriend on Tuesday.

"Yeah, it really was," she reportedly replied.

In his shame, Sciupac dodged text messages and e-mails from friends and family over whether he had voted. His dad's Monday night text, "Are you voting for Obama tomorrow?" went unanswered. Sciupac managed to reply, however, to his dad's Tuesday night follow-up text of "Did you or didn't you?" with this sad, pathetic missive: "I would have but I didn't register in time."

Accusations of voter irregularity hounded Sciupac's apartment Tuesday night, even as extended poll hours closed and Obama's resounding victory was proclaimed on the evening TV news. It is unclear at this time who his girlfriend voted for as she failed to disclose her choice, citing confidentiality and privacy laws, declaring only, "That's none of your business!"

Sciupac considered late Tuesday afternoon commuting to his former polling place in Adams Morgan to cast what he knew was an improper vote, just to get the oval-shaped "I Voted/Yo Voté" sticker, the sight of which haunted him throughout the day.

In the end, however, he knew it was illegal to vote in a state where one no longer lives. Also, it would have been a pain in the ass to go there and then get back on the Red Line to go home.

Sciupac has promised himself, his girlfriend, and Obama to be registered in time for the November general election.