Barack Obama drew criticism this week from the GOP when he uttered the now-infamous "lipstick on a pig" comment.

But what exactly did he mean by that comment? Was he making a tongue-in-cheek aphorism about how you can't make McCain's campaign promises look tenable? Or was he not so subtly making a swine-themed dig at Palin's appearance?

We could argue this all day but only Obama truly knows.

This isn't the first time, though, that Obama has said one thing and meant something else. He's been doing it for years. The man is practically a golden god with words. Obviously, Obama only speaks in literal allusions and is not to be trusted.

Voters need to know what politicians mean as much as or even more so than what they actually say. So I have taken the liberty of "translating" a few of Obama's comments into what he so apparently meant to say.

Below is a list of a few Obama quotes followed by the true explanation of what he meant. Because I love America.

What Obama said:

If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.

What Obama meant:

Paraplegics are lazy and that handicapped parking spots should be abolished. You have any fucking idea how hard it is to find parking at the mall?

What Obama said:

I cannot swallow whole the view of Lincoln as the Great Emancipator.

What Obama meant:

I'm not gay but it's cool if you are. I mean, I won't give you more rights or anything unless a poll tells me it's ok but you're alright, keep doing what you're doing.

What Obama said:

John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded.

What Obama meant:

John Kerry is delusional.

What Obama said:

Money is not the only answer, but it makes a difference.

What Obama meant:

I am a closeted Communist who wants to suspend our embargo on Cuba.

What Obama said:

My job is not to represent Washington to you, but to represent you to Washington.

What Obama meant:

I like to use the old Chinese proverb technique of switching subjects and predicates in sentences to seem wise.

What Obama said:

There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq.

What Obama meant:

I have Brett Favre on my fantasy football team and am way too happy to see the New England Patriots implode without Tom Brady.

What Obama said:

There is not a liberal America and a conservative America - there is the United States of America. There is not a black America and a white America and latino America and Asian America - there's the United States of America.

What Obama meant:

I am delusional.

What Obama said:

Today we begin in earnest the work of making sure that the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today.

What Obama meant:

Your children are screwed.

What Obama said:

Why can't I just eat my waffle?

What Obama meant:

Seriously, why can't I just eat my waffle? I'm really hungry. Michelle was making Eggos the other day and wouldn't let me eat any. How about pancakes? French toast? A fucking cereal bar?

What Obama said:

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

What Obama meant:

Can anyone break a dollar?

See? The GOP was obviously correct in completely overreacting to the "lipstick on a pig." If Obama thinks he can get away with these veiled comments, he better think again. We're smarter than he thinks.

Fucking Commie.