The best way to prove that the U.S. is not waging a war against Islam is not by having soldiers trying to convert civilians to Christianity. This is what one marine was caught doing by handing out coins that had printed Biblical verses in Arabic.

Well you know he wasn't a Jewish Marine with the way he was freely handing out money. At least this guy wasn't using a Koran for target practice like other soldiers did this month. But they didn't put a bullet in a Koran as an insult. They were trying to send a message of unity with the violence inherent in that violent religion. It's like a horror convention fan walking around with a fake machete in his skull. He doesn't want to hurt anyone he just wants to be in a shared brotherhood.

That silly Koran gets itself in some outrageous situations doesn't it? At Guantanamo Bay, a solider "accidentally" peed on one. I understand that soldier's confusion--all that sideways scribbled text does make it look like a large urinal cake. (Why do they put small words on those things--like I want to bend my face down closer to the porcelain and read "Manufactured by Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too!")

The real tragedy here is the denial of First Amendment rights to these soldiers. A bullet in a holy book is just free speech, and passing out Bible verses is just freedom of religion. If we can't win the hearts and minds of Iraqis, can't we at least win their souls?

The solution to the Muslim problem is to desensitize these Arabs. Their skin is too thin. A cartoon offends them. I understand that Mohammed forbade any of his contemporaries from depicting an image of him out of fear of idolatry, but honestly, did that guy have some body dysmorphia, or what? He must have had what we kindly call "a face for radio."

Logically we need to desensitize Muslims like they did in A Clockwork Orange. If we pry their eyelids open and offend each of every one of them every single day they would become so used to it that after a year or two, women would actually be allowed to wear burqa thongs. Whip them into a hornet's nest and get it out of their system, otherwise the rest of the world will have to walk on tiptoes for the next three centuries.

A major problem for the Arabs is that they can't retaliate in the same manner that they are offended. If they drew a cartoon of Jesus being tortured and killed, Americans wouldn't be offended...they'd just assume they were looking at Mel Gibson's latest masturbation fantasy. (Regarding the cruelty to Jesus on his last day, it has been determined that 1% of the population is masochistic. That means that Jesus had a 1 in a 100 chance of loving each of his lashes. We all feel sad when we think of that day, but cheer up, it might have been the best day of his life.)

Secondly, Arabs can't retaliate by putting a bullet in a Bible. 90% of all American mansions have a library room with a hollowed-out Bible with a gun in it. So that's where we like to store bullets anyway.

Lastly, Arabs can't retaliate by proselytizing back at us. We don't care if you tell us about your kooky religion. The average Joe is not interested in a paradise of virgins: Who wants prudes who won't put out? Instead, promise him 72 sluts and he's in!

Related: Today's Sign of the Apocalypse: President Bush Apologizes

From the News: Bush says his wars are like WWII 'cause, um, just 'cause