So if pretending to have sex with someone can get you ten million YouTube hits, then I need to jump on that Band Wagon. Jimmy Kimmel tried to take things farther by pretending to have a gay relationship with Ben Affleck, but how can I make it more spectacular and up the ante? I could make a video with that Duck in the Afflac commercials. Make him quack, "Affleck--Affleck."

No, I could pretend to have a relationship with Ben Affleck's Dog--yeah, lots of hits!

Here's the song:

Ever since I saw Turner and Hooch
I wondered what it'd be like screwing the Pooch
Then Ben Affleck shot a Jimmy Kimmel Clip
And I took his dog with the promise of a flea dip

Our sweet loving better not end in a case of rabies
I'm giving her hot love on Affleck's new Mercedes
I hope the Bitch is 3, cause in dog years she'd be legal
This video got three stars from ABC's Joel Siegel

Then I tied her up to do some fearsome S&M
It may be cruel, but I forced her to watch Armageddon
I love sex without the fear of getting knocked-up
If Ben catches me doggie-style, he'll get me locked up.

So I dropped her home through her doggie door,
Ben was waiting and the cops pinned me to the floor
I'm serving 7 to 10 for wanting to be famous on the Tube
I'll never be as popular as Mentos rockets or Britney's crying dude.

In jail I got so hot that I went and bit the mailman...

Wait. Wait. I tried it. I really did. I was willing to be a pervert for fame and fortune, but I just found out YouTube doesn't pay anything. And that would be fame and no fortune, which just wouldn't be ethically right. I do have my principles... bring in the duck.