Iowa and New Hampshire announced today that they will be celebrating Christmas early this year, in order to preserve their traditional influence over the way in which the rest of the country marks the holiday.

New Hampshire acted first, setting Saturday, December 15, as their date for what they have dubbed "The First-In-The-Nation Noel."

Iowa, which is constitutionally required to celebrate the birth of Christ before any other state, chose Tuesday, December 11, effectively giving their residents a four-day holiday which has been designated "Super Christmas."

"We believe we're simply better at celebrating Christmas," said Iowa Christmas Commissioner Harlow Durst. "Having our Christmas before the other states gives our children greater quality time with Santa Claus. Not only do they get to know him on a more personal basis, but Santa can hear firsthand what are the crucial toys on the minds of our young people."

Durst's New Hampshire counterpart, Peter Steele, concurs. "At our town-hall meetings, our children have the chance to bond with Santa over a leisurely milk and cookies. Not like in your big states, where a kid barely has enough time to be plopped on Santa's lap, blurt out his demands and wet himself before getting yanked away to make room for the next one."

Retailers were upbeat about the changes. An unnamed spokesman for Best Buy issued a statement expressing enthusiasm that "the accelerated schedule means we can actually hold our after-Christmas sales before Christmas."

However, holiday officials in other states were angered by the moves. Rona Edwards, chair of the California Merriment League, voiced a common sentiment. "Why should Iowa and New Hampshire get such inordinate attention? They're no more important than the rest of us. By the time Santa gets around to states like California, we'll be an irrelevant afterthought and we'll be stuck with whatever crap the early states have left us."

In a related development, South Carolinians are considering moving up Kwanzaa.


See also: Feb. 25, 2007 - Eric Williams / Electoral Dysfunction