The CIA has announced that al-Qaeda has begun recruiting 'Western'-looking terrorists to counter the apparently productive measure of racial profiling. To help the TSA and security officials everywhere keep our skies safe, the Department of Homeland Security has released a profile of the new terrorist operative:

• Pink Shirt - Today's terrorist isn't afraid to wear pink, or should we say, Nantucket Red.
• Popped Collar - The modern terrorist won't be caught dead with his collar unpopped.

• Vacant Look Into the Distance - The best way to avoid drawing attention to oneself is complete disregard for your immediate surroundings. The terrorist might not look like he's scoping out the targets right in front of him, but you can be damn sure that he is.
• Beard Stubble - Terrorists have more important things to do than shave everyday, and the stubble on his face let's you know it. This slightly rugged look makes his female victims swoon and wish they were virgins waiting for him in Paradise instead of the whores that they are.
• Hair Product - The only thing that needs to stay up more than the terrorist's collar is his hair. Look for spiky hair and frosted tips (not shown), but above all follow the product. Unconfirmed reports show that terrorist hair product is, in fact, an explosive.
• Optional Gold Chain (Not Shown) - Terrorists know that their bling won't follow them to the hereafter, but that won't stop some of them from showing off their status until the end.
• Lack of Undershirt - Infidels wear undershirts, 'nuff said.
• Chest Hair - The tell-tale sign that your suspect is in fact a terrorist. Terrorists have yet to complete their metrosexualization, and therefore, do not shave or wax their chests.
• Axe Bode Spray (Not Shown) - In the old days, you could sniff out a terrorist through their horrible BO. To mask the odor obtained through irregular bathing habits, the modern terrorist will overdose on the body spray, emitting a minimum three-foot radius of his chosen scent. The average terrorist believes that the cloud of body spray will be thick enough to follow him into Paradise and drive the virgins wild.
• Designer Jeans - To prove that the jihad is a holy war and not a war of the haves versus the have nots, the terrorist will prove to his enemies that he can afford the finest apparel.

• Partially Rolled Up Sleeves - Descending into the world of the Great Satan would be hot for any terrorist, and so in order to stay cool, he will roll his shirts sleeves up slightly.
• Stance - The terrorist will have a seemingly laid back stance, to show that he is in charge of the situation. Being a narcissist, he may also readjust his uniform constantly: Look for collar re-poppings and frequent mirror checks.
• First Class Tickets (In Pocket) - For years, terrorists confined themselves to coach; however, in recent months, they have learned of the security perks of First Class. The easy entrance through security combined with the spacious legroom and leather gives the terrorist a taste of what he expects to come after he has martyred himself and will no doubt reassure him in his cause.
• Luggage (Not Shown) - In the past, one could easily identify a terrorist suspect through his one-way ticket and lack of luggage. Not anymore. Terrorists know that people who are considered to be on vacation are less likely to be suspected and will pack numerous suitcases full of clothes to prove it.
• Designer Shoes - Ever since Richard Reid became the Shoe Bomber, terrorists have taken insult upon insult for their footwear. As a direct response to these insults, the fragile psyche of the terrorist has brought him to wear superior designer shoes.

"Al Qaeda Looking for Blond, Blue-Eyed Recruits"- The Trumpet