The Fourth of July and the Ballad of the Mustard Belt Duncan Quirk | Bio

Ahh the 4th of July: Red, white, and blue waving proudly in the wind as the fireworks ignite the sky above the Statue of Liberty. Behind them plays the tune of our triumphant national anthem. We celebrate the founding of our great nation with hope for the future as we bask in the liberty, which so many have fought and died for. We celebrate the moment when the idea of a free nation and of a free people became a reality. We celebrate all that this country has provided for us. We celebrate the memory of all of those who so valiantly gave their lives and continue to do so to protect the freedoms we often take for granted. We celebrate with traditions inherited from our fathers, traditions like the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition at Coney Island.

Last year saw the returning of the crown to an American citizen with Joey Chestnut defeating the six-time champion, Takeru Kobayashi. And in what a glorious fashion. 66 hotdogs in 12 minutes to set a new world record in front of 45,000 screaming fans and 1.5 million ESPN viewers. With world food prices reaching astronomical levels due to increased biofuel production, skyrocketing costs of oil, floods, droughts, and diseases, this year's competition looks set to blow all previous contests out of the hot dog water.

This Fourth of July, 20 brave souls will engage in the ultimate struggle of man versus nature, forcefully slamming dozens upon dozens upon dozens of hot dogs down their throats. All 20 competitors have one goal: eating 67 hotdogs in 12 minutes to set a new world record. Most will only be able to eat 50 or so, but a select few, a special breed of gluttonous maximus will prevail, and only one will take home the coveted Mustard Belt.

And so, in honor of these men, I am proud to present:

The Ballad of the Mustard Belt (to the tune of The Ballad of the Green Beret)

Eating hot dogs for your joy
Their intestines they'll destroy
Twenty men will have them dealt
Most hot dogs win the Mustard Belt

Millions of people can't buy bread
Most of them will wind up dead
For twenty men there's no conscience felt
One will win the Mustard Belt.

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