A man in New Hampshire recently convicted of soliciting sex from young boys online claimed at his hearing that he was molested by Bigfoot as a child. Not to mix monster metaphors, but I think we can all see the witch-hunt this is going to turn into. Listen guys, we can't keep blaming Bigfoot for all our society's problems.

Is it any coincidence that this story is coming to light several months after a big win for Bigfoot, after his tell-all memoirs had allowed him to finally cast off the shackles of repressive stereotyping he and his people have suffered for so many centuries? How often have you heard political figures in the past year blame our recessive economy and strained international relations on "our growing Bigfoot concern?" What is this but just another way to keep the Bigfootman down so he can never raise himself above the color of his fur, or the fact that he has fur in the first place?

Groups conceived to raise awareness for Bigfoot's plight get very little publicity, and are kept as marginalized as the creature himself. And now this despicable claim of Bigfoot sexual molestation. When will the insanity end?

There are several facts of this case that make Gene R. Morrill's claim of being assaulted by BF dubious. First of all, Morrill is from New Hampshire, and it's common knowledge that Bigfoots prefer the cooler climates to be found farther north, along the Canadian border. Why else are we trying to secure our borders if not because of our fear of Bigfoots coming down into our country and using up our valuable resources like sticks, berries, and blurry Polaroids? AP and other sources picking up this otherwise routine case of To Catch a Predator is only one more example in a history of persecution and prejudice determined to paint Bigfoot and Sasquatches in a bad light.

Let me tell you something: I met a Bigfoot once. I was in Vancouver for a class field trip and got separated from my group somewhere between the laser-tag arena and the VICE headquarters. Lost and alone, I traveled the alien streets, the unfamiliar language of foreigners ringing in my ears. Thankfully, after wandering into a "bad" neighborhood by accident, I came across a family of Bigfeet, who offered to help me find my teacher in the morning when first light broke. I spent the night, and believe me when I tell you that I was never once approached inappropriately by any member of the Bigfoot clan. What happened between me and big brother Bigfoot (or "Harold," as he preferred to be called) was completely consensual and based on a mutual attraction and understanding. I can not imagine any of these Bigfeet being the sort of sexual deviants that would furtively go after young boys in the woods and pull down their pants.

Come on guys, Bigfoot might be a lot of things, but he's definitely not gay.