Dear Guvnah,

The New York Times broke the news today that you like hookers. Congrats? You, "Client 9," have since apologized but not resigned for your "involvement" in the prostitution ring, Emperors Club VIP.

With all due respect, perhaps you should have seen this coming. We think, as a rule, you should never join a club with "Emperor" in the title. In 1979, there were only three emperors in the world, and two of them were overthrown that year. There's a reason why there's only one left, Whatshishito of Japan. Didn't you ever see that Bertolucci movie The Last Emperor, emphasis on "last"? Emperors have, throughout time, met horrible fates, like getting overthrown, executed, or assassinated by their BFFs. I mean, Caesar? Napoleon? Hello? Didn't someone read The Emperor's New Clothes to you as a kid, where the emperor, instead of being The Mack, turns out to be an idiot assclown?

The title itself is friggin' cursed. Guess you had to learn that the hard way. Sigh.

sincerely,
The Empresses DISGRASIAN