Rumors are circulating that TV personality Star Jones is dating (separated?) NBA Star Dwyane Wade. The unlikely pairing's sparked a water-cooler meltdown nationwide. 23/6's Colleen Werthmann and Kevin Allocca stepped up to that melted water-cooler and started emailing as soon as the news broke.

Colleen:

Hey Kevin -- Who's Dwyane Wade? Star Jones is dating him. She just filed for divorce a little while ago from that gay guy.

Kevin:

Colleen...

Are you kidding me? Who's Dwyane--...Who--... I'm speechless. He's like one of the most famous players in the NBA. He plays for the Heat and is, like, really really good.

Star Jones??? That has to be a joke. I refuse to believe that.

Colleen:

Believe it. Charles Barkley -- who I HAVE heard of, because he's actually famous because he has a personality -- teased him about it in this story.

Kevin:

Oh, god.

Look, I gotta believe D-Wade on this one. They HAVE to be just friends. There is no way they are dating. It cannot be.

Follow me here: She's Star Jones. He's Dwyane Wade! You know?

Colleen:

They're totally dating. I know he's married with 2 kids, but look at Roger Clemens (again: actually famous)! That guy's married and he's been getting his knob schlobbed on the side by everybody from Mindy McCready to Estelle Getty. Yes I just made you think about Estelle Getty and Roger Clemens having sex.

Star Jones got tired of her no-dick marriage. She lost all that weight and she wants to ride. Oh yes she WILL HAVE some hot NBA ass. And he WILL give it to her. When have you ever known an NBA star to turn down punany?

Kevin:

Colleen, I am having trouble typing this message because recently, after your last email, my eyes fell out of my face, then threw up, and then rolled around crying in their eye-throwup.

D-Wade IS famous. And he's 26! She's probably like late 30s! How can you support that? That's fine for normal people, but this is an NBA All-Star. He needs to act responsible and be out there cheating on his wife with, like, King magazine cover girls.

Colleen:

Your eye distress = God punishing you for being dumb. Anyway, STAR JONES is famous, ng-kay? I didn't see HIS wedding get product-placement from like a million corporations. Dwyane Wade is only as famous as that random guy Mariah Carey just married/adopted. Also, FYI, Star is 46. I'M in my late 30s. We just look the same age 'cause black don't crack, and, uh... white...do.

As a woman about to marry a nubile 28-year-old, I resent your implication that I am somehow normal. It takes an extraordinary lady to clobber all the pre-menopausal skanks trying to steal my man.

Oh, and: King magazine cover girls? Too busy blowing guys in the back of Legz Diamonds for $50 to be Dwyane's mistress.

Kevin:

46! Jesus! The difference in their age is almost able to drink at a bar. How is a superstar like D-Wade supposed to keep his rep on the court like that? Lebron is goes clubbing with Jay-z. D-Wade is, what, going to Michael's with Star Jones?

P.S. "That random guy" is Nick Cannon, who is on TV like every day on the Drumline Channel--I mean, TNT.

Colleen:

I'm sure the world-rocking he gets from his seasoned new girlfriend's sexual skills will keep him feeling EXTREMELY confident on the court. Listen, for someone with the white-trashiest first/last name combo ever? She's a CATCH. She's a $ucce$$ful lawyer with her own show, which will come in handy when he and his friends get caught doing steroids. That's basketball, right?

And excuse me, but: clubbing with Jay-Z? 40/40 is a terrible club. Even I'VE been there. It's ESPN Zone with black lights. Oh, and: Star Jones would never ruin her manicure doing icky, regular-people things like CRAFTS. She's too busy eating diamonds. Are you familiar with eating? Or aren't you on solid food yet?

Kevin:

1. Again, my eyes.

2. No, that's baseball.

3. I bet you're killing your fiancé's cred by making him do old-people crafts. Thank god he is not the star player on my hometown basketball team.

Colleen:

Maybe he is! Maybe I'm Star Jones. Would you like to sponsor our wedding once he divorces that bitch?

Kevin:

You are not Star Jones. If you were Star Jones, you wouldn't be speculating about whether or not you were Star Jones, you would just say, "I'm Star Jones." Also, I'm sitting next to you and looking at you right now, and you are not Star Jones.

I'm just looking out for my bro, D-Wade, here. We're really similar people, he's just a little more successful than me right now, so I am living vicariously through him.

Colleen:

Listen, prep-school aspirational wigga, he's not your bro. I know you're Italian, but that doesn't count as black--even in Europe. You're not looking out for D-Wade (ugh, that nickname = so 2002) by scorning his choice of lady. You're projecting your ageist, racist, sizeist distaste onto him. Basically, you're Colonel Sanders' grandson with a subscription to Barely Legal.

Kevin:

Whoa. I am not a racist.

Colleen:

Fair enough.

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