Well...are you happy now, hippies? New Jersey is banning the death penalty.

Instead of banning one of the multitude of other things in New Jersey that is an actual threat to humanity (Newark!), they go and ban the one thing that whittles down the massive number of incarcerated criminals that we rely on to make license plates and do other jobs that we don't even know they do.

I've done a lot of digging (handjobs?) and uncovered a list of "alternatives" that John Corzine and the New Jersey State Assembly have come up with to replace death.

• Everyone currently on Death Row now is scheduled to compete on a VH1 reality show entitled I Guess You Gon' Live, hosted by OJ Simpson. The catch? These inmates don't know about the repeal! They're brought before a studio audience to be executed, and after a rigorous hour's worth of confessions, a last meal provided by Rachel Ray and a sassy make-over, they're strapped into "The Big Comfy Chair" and given their last rites. But just when it looks like they're about to be crisped, OJ Simpson bursts out onto the stage in a top hat and tails and gives the cue line: "I Guess You Gon' Live!" and then tap dances out.

• Celine Dion, now vacating her perch in Las Vegas, will tour exclusively on the New Jersey Correctional Facility Circuit with comedians Carrot Top and Ant.

• A "Tickle Ring" will be installed in the court yard of every prison and inmates will be forced to tickle one another in a torturous manner till one of them can't possibly take it anymore.

• A larger, alpha-prisoner will be introduced into the system who will take charge of other prisoners by raping them.

• All adult magazines to be replaced with religious periodicals as follows:

Cheri to be replaced with SonRise
Lady Tunnels to be replaced with The Road to Heaven
Latin Inches to be replaced with Dios Mio!

• All meat and dairy based products will be replaced with soy.

• Prisoners will be told that their spouse, son, daughter and all of their family members are now gay.

• Inmates are forbidden to update their Myspace and Facebook status.

• Shank Day