This Valentines Day, diamond jewelry commercials are like Jenny Craig commercials with wings, manipulating the emotions of already broken people. The ads are aimed at the heart of that minority of folk who go to the mall and buy shit at Zales.

A handsome man tip-toes up to his the taut, sex-toy-loving Pilates-toned girlfriend, surprising her with a stunning set of "Forever" diamond studs. Violins play. The expression on her face is...mercenary. Mission accomplished! The poor fellow is off the hook and the tantric sex can begin. Music and genitals swell.

They are selling us forever, through a girl's eyes. And if that's the future, and that future is forever, I plan to remain firmly in the present. And of course the best access to present time is achieved through sex. The De Beers Diamond Company knows this. They control the diamond industry expertly, which means they control the future of love and sex. Everything has its price guys, so wake up a smell the price tag. And remember, the price of diamonds has nothing to do with the market place. Diamonds are not rare; they are held hostage in vaults so that the price stays high.

In owning diamonds--and love--De Beers also gets to define it for us. You guys out there should be good Boy Scouts and get prepared by having the limit raised on your AmEx card.

Diamonds are only popular because of Louis XIV. His gem of choice was the pearl, but then his admirals came back from India with the shiny rocks. Pearls out, bling in. Expensive bling.

Valentine's Day is an especially busy time for me, since I am a pimp. A lot of men who can't afford diamond tennis bracelets can afford a hand job and a hump from a stranger. It's simple, basic, old fashioned prostitution. No one has been hurt. Well, some have been infected, but not really hurt. Except when they pee.

As an actor/writer/pimp, I feel I am bringing honest sex to a frozen and manipulated world. Don't think for a minute that I am not a good pimp, loving and cooperative. My two prostitutes have been with me for years, and I let them have all the olive tapenade and whole wheat crackers they can eat. They also get to watch Dish TV.

The only job I send them out to is the Republican convention because I know that's where the big money is. We can live for a year on that take.

I love my whores and my whores love me. Just ask them. And I have never given them diamonds.

Meanwhile, people watch the diamond commercials and recognize our rumblings of hunger and the need for love with all its shiny rewards. Right after the De Beers ad, we are subjected to that eHarmony.com guy who guarantees that our perfect match is out there. No doubt just waiting for that two months' salary engagement ring.

But here's the real story: there is no need for "love" and "forever." You can't need something that already exists. Love and Forever are all around us; we just have to tap into it, and love the ones we are with.

Today, we should be sending our enemies Valentine's. A new kind of bomb, the Bomb of Love, and to hell with those bloody, blood diamonds.

So this Valentine's Day, let's look at what "love" and "diamonds" really are--easily-hidden, transportable assets. The former is usually hidden in the heart; the latter in the ass, convenient for those emergency quick exits. Ask any one who has lost a hand in a diamond mine. So, if hiding money and love up your ass is your thing, then you should go with diamonds. I guess it's better than sticking a jade Buddha up your ass. For me, I'm sticking with love--today.

Happy Valentine's Day, Lover!