The Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire Primary were very water cooler-friendly and I heard people talking about them with an intensity and concern usually reserved for The Biggest Loser or American Idol. They have become another reality TV show to entertain and distract us till we get some new Ugly Bettys. But we are living in the Jerry Springer era. We want to see to people jumping up and attacking, ripping the hair out of each other's head. We have become accustomed to spitting in the face and talking to the hand.

In America, we chase our prey down. We don't want our politicians to be rational or well-behaved. After a long hour of The Hills, we want the candidates to flip out and melt down the way regular people do. But they can't show emotion, because if they did, then we'd know who to vote for.

I think in our reptilian-brains we want the debates to be primal. We want a bum fight, complete with broken glass and phlegm. Polite backstabbing is so 2000. Today, we want a candidate who will stab you in the chest, cut off your genitals, and sew them in your mouth. Can somebody please give us what we want?

My Friend Orny Adams was on The Tonight Show when Barack Obama was one of Jay's guests. Orny told me that shaking hands with Obama was like shaking hands with a teenager. So that makes him my candidate.

Teenagers love to flip out and are capable of some serous antics. If the youthful Obama wins and has a tantrum in the Oval Office, we could be in store some fireworks. I would love to see the president push the Secretary of State's head in a toilet and then try to set his pants on fire.

I know what you're thinking: Hillary cried. When I first heard, I expected to see her blubbering Tammy Faye Bakker hysterics. The good stuff. Instead, what we got was less a cry and more like a reaction to a soiled placemat or a foul clam. That was more a look of gas bubbles being dissolved in her intestine than weeping. Hilary looked like she simply forgot to take her Beano.

Ellen DeGeneres, of course changed the rule on crying. It used to be that there is no crying in baseball or lesbianism, but her major breakdown became the ground zero of crying, upping the ante on a whole new crying game

I wanted to see Hillary crying like Ellen DeGeneres as if Ellen had been forced to send Portia De Rossi back to her rightful owner.

Jackie Kennedy's tears at JFK's funeral cortège would not past muster these days. Standing stoic in her elemental grace--that wouldn't do in our TMZ days. Instead, Jackie would have to go running down the steps and put a leg-lock on the coffin.

If the candidates want to appeal to the majority of the American voters, then they are going to have to begin to act like real Americans, who are medicated, bipolar, enraged, and a touch obese. (Not formerly obese like Preacher Huckabee.) Then, if we could identify with them, maybe we could justify voting for them.

If Hillary Clinton is going to get the nomination, then she must give up this tolerant, polite, smart, and evolved woman lawyer thing and try drunkenly crashing an interview with Monica Lewinsky on Entertainment Tonight and slur on about health care and explain her vote for the war in a fake British accent.

If Mitt Romney really wants to get our attention, he should try shaving his head and wearing just a tube a sock at the VMA awards. For good measure, he could take an swing at Kathy Griffin. That's campaigning for keeps.

This is not Jack Parr's America. It's not your grandmother's nervous breakdown. No longer can Jerry Lewis walk out of the spotlight leaving the mic an empty stool to make a subtle point.

In 2008, we are a post-Dog Chapman, post-Friday Night smack down world. It's an America hyped up on Starbucks and Red Bull, texting, driving, and U-turning and road-raging. We live in a time when ABC can call a show Dance Wars while all but ignoring that another little war that is going on. It's that war the will require the kind of presidential candidates I'm calling for. Because who ever inherits this mess is certainly going need more than one personality to get job done. They will have to get dirty, fight dirty, and get real.