There is something honest about prostitution, but the thing to remember is that we pay whores to leave, not to stay. Sometimes, if we really have a lot money, we pay whores not to talk on television!

On the new Bravo series The Millionaire Matchmaker, we meet Patti Stanger, founder and CEO of the Millionaire's Club, an exclusive service designed to match successful men to their prospective wives. By wives, I don't mean the successful woman behind every man; I mean whores who will do anything on or off TV to ensure that they never have to work at AT&T or Verizon and instead get to live in a house with cheap aluminum windows and a two-story chandelier in the foyer. (This means YOU HEATHER MILLS.)

Patti is armed with not only an elite pool of millionaire clients, but also a database of women holding some of nature's most coveted characteristics: beauty, brains and rubberized lips, these Posh Spice wannabes are as transparent as day old fruit roll ups and twice as chewy.

Helping her millionaires find true love is Patti's destiny. In the premiere episode, millionaires Dave and Harold are looking for love. Patti arrives at Harold's sprawling, environmentally alienating mansion--the place looks like a waiting room for Saddam Hussein's ball sac--and gets straight to business with the grace of a Russian plumber who is going to clean out your septic tank.

Patti has what we call here in Los Angeles "publicity eyes." Half crow, half Minotaur, all Dr. 90210. She quickly finds out that Harold is in his early forties, and--spoiler alert!--he desires much younger women who are "hotties." The expression on Patti's face is priceless. She looks a child who finds an Easter egg in a Toilet, or an adult who has found a toilet in an Easter egg. Derailed!

Patti believes this is one of the main reasons Harold is still single. She predicts that after working with her, Harold will start picking age-appropriate women, and find true love. Yeah, right. If Harold is so rich, can't he have Patti shot, stuffed, and placed over his fake fireplace?

Patti is also working with "Sex Toy" Dave who has made his fortune as an entrepreneur in the adult sex toy industry and has a built-in stripper pole in his living room. Patti tells him that he's sending the wrong signals if he really wants to settle down. Wrong signals? Hot and cold running Bud Light and glory holes in the kitchen are fine signals, as are the Viagra-filled Christmas stockings. These are signals about what the man wants: a limber stripper who doesn't write screenplays, and who knows how to worship cock. You pay attention to the signals, Patti.

Surprisingly, an open call to find the perfect match for each of her millionaires yields some unsatisfying results. Frustrated, Patti demands that her staff find "the 10s." Then Patti places the women behind one-way glass so that the cocky millionaires can check out the goods. It's just like they do on Homicide and Law and Order: SVU--and in massage parlors in Bangkok.

Dave chooses a petite brunette with a Harvard education, and Harold chooses a young model. During a romantic dinner, Dave seems to have chemistry with his date. They even pay a visit to his pad, stripper-pole and all, which doesn't seem to bother her. (To a Harvard girl, an in-home lap dance pole is like seeing your face on an AMEX card.) Harold and his date enjoy a sunset boat cruise, but the age gap between them takes its toll, and they have a hard time connecting in conversation. Plus, he has to have her home by 9:30 or she'll get grounded.

Have I mentioned that Bravo is an arts channel?

Meanwhile, Patti looks into the camera and says, "I am so great at this." It's inspiring to see someone who has found her calling. But I have news for her: I know guy called Desmond Le Baron down in Long Beach who can pimp rings around her.

[Note: Repeated attempts to contact Patti for this article were unsuccessful, despite the fact that I sent her copies of my 2007 tax returns. I did receive a message saying my income bracket was too low to even warrant a conversation with Patti. The message did offer a helpful suggestion--that I should purchase a DVD of Lars and the Real Girl and consider myself lucky.]

So it looks like I am stuck back here looking for love at eHarmony.com, which is like a Warren Jeff's Mormon Garage sale for human beings. It will have to do. I just don't have a million dollars.