I am thankful that Bruce Jenner is not my stepfather or step daughter or interior designer or whatever he is now.

I am thankful that my father is not Robert Kardasian who defended OJ Simpson. But that I have my own father, who defends Glenn Beck.

I am thankful that I am Not Ellen DeGeneres. Imagine having to cross the picket line in men's clothing?

(And why is it that Ellen can wear George Clooney's hand-me-downs, but if I wear a Vera Wang sundress then I am the problem?)

I am thankful for Dianetics, because now I can understand why Xemu trapped all those engrams in the volcanoes.

I am thankful that we are not making the same mistakes in Iraq that we made in Viet Nam. Were making NEW mistakes.

I am thankful that I have opted not to have plastic surgery and will allow my face to fall and crack open like a pistachio nut in the most challenging of Santa Ana conditions.

I am thankful that the letters in "Elvis Lives" can be rearranged to spell "Elvis Live."

I am thankful that the next president will be ANYONE else.

I am thankful that Dumbledore never got busted for casting a suggestive spell in a Hogwarts bathroom stall.

I am thankful that biblical-superstar Noah never took the saber-toothed-roach on his ark.

I am thankful that Alexander Graham Bell didn't have to TEXT message:
"OMG Watson! Get your ass in here and look at this ☺"

I am thankful that we are in the year 2007 and there have already been three trials of the century.

I am thankful that the French like us again...they're hot.

I am thankful that no one told me "Rosebud" was the sled. Ooops.

I am thankful that I am not on the CBS show Cane. I could never show that much interest in rum.

I am thankful that gas is $4 a gallon. Now maybe everybody will stay at home and read a book about history or science and attempt to understand where oil comes from.

I am thankful that my parents never attached guilt to a biological act, and taught me about the dualistic cosmology of things--a view of the universe as a battleground of contending forces. And that kindness has rewards and there is nothing for anyone who wallows in apathy or anger. It's a shame I can't be with them. But I am very busy.

I am thankful that I am not one of those people who stands in the window of The Today Show waving at the camera like the lobotomy patients in Suddenly Last Summer, carrying signs that say "Happy Birthday Gert!!" and "Good Luck Stefanie!"

Personally, I am most thankful that Tony Orlando and Dawn were not Tony Danza, Orlando Bloom and Don Cheadle. That would have just smelled...like stuffing.