Do you hear what I hear? Why are Christmas carols
sending me into a rage? They didn't last year.

This generation needs its own Christmas carols. Bing Crosby
died so, why are we still letting it snow? This nostalgic fantasy doesn't
apply to this jaded world that has been mini-malled and gutted.

The novelty carols bring special offense, especially the old chestnut "Grandma
got run over by a Reindeer." These days, when most of our grandmother are getting
side carted by Kaiser Permanente, that song just doesn't give yuletide cheer.

So here are a few suggestions for the song that will fit our generation's
experience like a red velvet glove:

Rudolph the Booze Bag Reindeer

All I Want for Christmas are Two Fake Tits

Have Yourself an Amber Alert Christmas

Let it acid rain, Let it acid rain, Let it acid rain

Silent Night, Countrywide, All is Gone, Nothing's Bright

Oh, Holy Shit!

Murray the Snowman...was a happy, happy soul with an old crack pipe
and a bag of weed and two kilos of fine blow

Oh, we three queens of West Hollywood are...FIERCE!!

On the 12th day of Kwanzaa, Louis Farrakhan said to me..."Kill whitey"

I'll be Drunk for Christmas

Little Hummer Boy- I'll drive my SUV over you...Ba rum ba bum bum

Santa Claus in coming to town... and he's staying at the Beverly Wilshire,
all expenses paid courtesy of Time-Warner/AOL and a special grant from
Bed Bath and Beyond.

I saw mommy kissing Portia De Rossi