The WGA strike has been settled, and I can honestly say that I don't want to write movies or blogs anymore: I have decided to become a nude model with the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. So far I have posed nude for Nike, Taco Bell and Gold Bond Powder. The clients got really mad since it wasn't technically a nude shoot--at the last second, they threw a towel over my, um, mid-section--but I firmly believe that my junk can sell a chalupa, a pair of sneakers, or ringworm.

Janice Dickinson believes in my junk too, and she really knows what she is doing, having been a model since the late 1860s. Did you know her first modeling job was with the Donner party? It's true. She said, "Stagecoach living was harsh. Food was scarce, but models shouldn't be eating anyway, and when I did eat it was the other models." Her first print job was a cave painting in Mesopotamia and her first runway was the Bering Strait. But what she is most proud of is that she introduced hot pants to the Fertile Crescent.

We've had our problems, though. Like the other day at a photo shoot, Janice slapped me for being drunk. I had one Pinot Grigio at breakfast or lunch or whatever that's called. She really jumped down my throat, saying I was chunky and proceeded to rip me a new asshole.

"Why are your legs touching?"
"Because they're crossed?"
"That's a shitty excuse, Tay Tay."

I must admit my legs do resemble Gwyneth Paltrow's in Shallow Hal. What can I say? I find healthy food to be disgusting, and Dove Bars and Chips Ahoy are the only things that keep my mind calm and my nerves satisfied.

"You're fat."
"I can't work out."
"Why not?" Janice glared like a hungry grizzly mama.
"My iPod isn't charged?"
"Then eat more sensibly, you idiot."
"Pinkberry gives me diarrhea and my nutritionist said I could eat anything that was hard, sweet, frozen, or on a stick."
Janice extended her finger, "Get in that bathroom and vomit now."

I did and will continue to vomit, anything to further my career. Admittedly, I started modeling nude late in life. I am not getting any younger, and neither is Janice, but I don't want be too hard on the woman. Remember, she went to boarding school with Tadd Lincoln.

The best part is hanging out with my fellow models, even though many of them have severe cognitive disabilities. There's this one girl, Desiree Amber, who thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon. Like wind and rain over thousands of years carved Teddy Roosevelt's big-ass face into the rock. Whatever! There is boy here called Francesco who believes that Iraq is the capital of New Orleans. My favorite is Jo Jo. She has these really great tits but no facial expression and didn't even know what calamari was! She thought she'd been eating fried rubber bands this whole time. Duh! We roared when we heard that!

The other boy models are a little of afraid of the girl models so we stick together. When we're not busy waxing one another or playing shirtless poker, we like to wrestle and frolic. The other day we were squirt-gunning each other with ice-cold water. It was all fun until I sprayed another model's underwear, highlighting his private parts! Well, Janice went ballistic, saying that "the guy's dick was small" and told the poor dude "to leave immediately!" Actually, I thought this guy's dick was kind of big, but what do I know?

Last night we had a sleepover. Some of the other models decided it would be fun to put pepper spray in my eyes and in my anus. I have never had such a burning sensation, and trust me, I've had burning sensations. Janice had to give me a sponge bath. Very sweetly, she told me that the pepper spray was because I was Puerto Rican and in the future I should tell people I am Romanian.

Janice Dickinson is going to book me on a new Bravo series called America's Next Top Model-Predator. It's about overage models who go to underage models' houses and try to seduce them with nothing more than Mike's Hard Lemonade and a headshot. Janice said this is how she got her children.

This reality show could be my big break. The only real downside is, unless the courts overturn their previous rulings on stalking, sexual harassment, and pedophilia, Janice said I could go to prison for 6 months to a year. But, I look on the bright side: most prisons are filled with catwalks, so I can work on my technique when I'm in the big house.

So soon you may see me being thrown down a metal staircase. Nude! (All that matters is that people look at me.)