"Really, don't look at me. I'm just a movie star, and I'm doing my best to demystify it. We're all human. Come on, stop! Uggh! Stop writing about my films and my crazy past, and let's talk about the real issues here! I'm only here to focus your attention on poor children in Africa. I just happen to have won the genetic lottery and get paid millions to star in pointlessly violent films, but I've actually dedicated my life to saving the world. I'm just like you! I'm a caring citizen and I've been unfairly thrust into this media whirlwind, it's all sooooo juvenile, I don't even read tabloids, who has the time between flights on private jets and buying houses on each continent? "

"Also, pleeeaase stop publishing pictures of my gloriously privileged family as we trot around the globe. It's not like I even wanted to be on the cover of this magazine! It's not as if I posed willingly like this with my breasts hanging out and my mouth open. By the way, there was some bullsh*^%#t human rights issue with the starving African child who was supposed to accompany me in this photo shoot, so he stayed in Zimbabwe at the last minute. Bureaucracy is a bitch and I've dedicated my life to fighting it! I could have saved him from a life of starvation with royalties from that one Vanity Fair shot. Anyway, I was forced to do the photo shoot all by my lonesome. Now that I've got a platform to verbalize my aversion to the tabloid media, let's spend .05% of this article discussing my humanitarian work."