Last week was an especially big week for inane news, and to help you recall it, I've put together this handy three-point wrap-up, ideal for cubicle chatter. Because nothing made my attention span for hard news wander this week quicker than Hippies vs. Beckham, faux crack candy and MK & Heath!

1. Cranky tree huggers were at it again this week attacking David Beckham for destroying the environment through ownership of way too many cars and homes. Their accusation was ironic, considering that about 400 trees were used to print their grievances and Beckham doesn't read, nor drive his cars. Who's the real culprit here? Hypocritical out of shape HIPPIES!! I say viva la Beckham hotness, global warming be damned. I don't even know what sport he plays--it could be left-handed Jenga--but as long as he stays super hot, I say let him destroy the rest of the ozone. He gets a free pass on that one.

2. The Hershey Company has pulled Ice Breakers Pacs off shelves in response to criticism that the tiny bags of sugar looked similar to packets of cocaine. (Maybe this was next to Heath's body and is what killed him? Two scandals in one!!) A more likely reason: Models mistakenly believed it was sugar-covered coke and started to gain weight from using it. Little known fact: Models are surprisingly adept at grass roots organization and letter writing campaigns. Or, they just sent Naomi in to deliver a good, old-fashioned Blackberry beat down at corporate headquarters. Anyway, Models 1, Hershey 0. This battle will rage all through 2008, mark my words.

3. The masseuse who found Heath Ledger's corpse apparently called MK Olsen about ten times prior to calling 911. Not ha-ha funny, just sketchy and Olsen funny. We haven't had a good Olsen funny in a while! Aaaah, good times...